The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
"Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped him at Waterloo. He
wanted to do too much, and he did it! They scooped him in at
Waterloo, and he subsekently died at St. Heleny! There's where the
gratest military man this world ever projuced pegged out. It was
rather hard to consine such a man as him to St. Heleny, to spend
his larst days in catchin mackeril, and walkin up and down the
dreary beach in a military cloak drawn titely round him, (see
picter-books), but so it was. 'Hed of the Army!' Them was his
larst words. So he had bin. He was grate! Don't I wish we had a
pair of his old boots to command sum of our Brigades!"
This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand.
"Alexander the Grate was punkins," I continnered, "but Napoleon was
punkinser! Alic wept becaws there was no more worlds to scoop, and
then took to drinkin. He drowndid his sorrers in the flowin bole,
and the flowin bole was too much for him. It ginerally is. He
undertook to give a snake exhibition in his boots, but it killed
him. That was a bad joke on Alic!"
"Since you air so solicitous about France and the Emperor, may I
ask you how your own country is getting along?" sed Jerome, in a
pleasant voice.
"It's mixed," I sed. But I think we shall cum out all right."
"Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent continent, could hav
had no idee of the grandeur it would one day assoom," sed the
Prints.
"It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his explorin
expedition," sed I. "If he had bin a sensible man he'd hav put the
money in a hoss railroad or a gas company, and left this
magnificent continent to intelligent savages, who when they got
hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it, and who wouldn't hav
seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt Liberty in the hed with a
slungshot. Columbus wasn't much of a feller, after all. It would
hav bin money in my pocket if he'd staid at home. Chris. ment
well, but he put his foot in it when he saled for America."
We talked sum more about matters and things, and at larst I riz to
go. "I will now say good-bye to you, noble sir, and good luck to
you. Likewise the same to Clotildy. Also to the gorgeous persons
which compose your soot. If the Emperor's boy don't like livin at
the Tooleries, when he gits older, and would like to imbark in the
show bizness, let him come with me and I'll make a man of him. You
find us sumwhat mixed, as I before obsarved, but come again next
year and you'll find us clearer nor ever. The American Eagle has
lived too sumptuously of late--his stummic becum foul, and he's
takin a slite emetic. That's all. We're getting ready to strike a
big blow and a sure one. When we do strike, the fur will fly and
secession will be in the hands of the undertaker, sheeted for so
deep a grave that nothin short of Gabriel's trombone will ever
awaken it! Mind what I say. You've heard the showman!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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