The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and LettersWard, Artemus
General
The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters
Ward, Artemus
American wit and humor
Followed them rather too closely, evidently, for a white-haired old
man, who immediately followed Mr. Perkins, called upon us to halt.
Then in a low firm voice he said to his son, who was just ahead of
me, "John, change places with me. I hain't got long to live,
anyhow. Yonder berryin' ground will soon have these old bones, and
it's no matter whether I'm carried there with one leg off and
ter'ble gashes in the other or not! But you, John--YOU are young."
The old man changed places with his son. A smile of calm
resignation lit up his wrinkled face, as he sed, "Now, sir, I am
ready!"
"What mean you, old man!" I sed.
"I mean that if you continner to bran'ish that blade as you have
been bran'ishin' it, you'll slash h-- out of some of us before
we're a hour older!"
There was some reason mingled with this white-haired old peasant's
profanity. It was true that I had twice escaped mowing off his
son's legs, and his father was perhaps naturally alarmed.
I went and sat down under a tree. "I never know'd a literary man
in my life," I overheard the old man say, "that know'd anything."
Mr. Perkins was not as valuable to me this season as I had fancied
he might be. Every afternoon he disappeared from the field
regularly, and remained about some two hours. He sed it was
headache. He inherited it from his mother. His mother was often
taken in that way, and suffered a great deal.
At the end of the two hours Mr. Perkins would reappear with his
head neatly done up in a large wet rag, and say he "felt better."
One afternoon it so happened that I soon followed the invalid to
the house, and as I neared the porch I heard a female voice
energetically observe, "You stop!" It was the voice of the hired
girl, and she added, "I'll holler for Mr. Brown!"
"Oh no, Nancy," I heard the invalid E. Perkins soothingly say, "Mr.
Brown knows I love you. Mr. Brown approves of it!"
This was pleasant for Mr. Brown!
I peered cautiously through the kitchen-blinds, and, however
unnatural it may appear, the lips of Eli Perkins and my hired girl
were very near together. She sed, "You shan't do so," and he
DO-SOED. She also said she would get right up and go away, and as
an evidence that she was thoroughly in earnest about it, she
remained where she was.
They are married now, and Mr. Perkins is troubled no more with the
headache.
This year we are planting corn. Mr. Perkins writes me that "on
accounts of no skare krows bein put up krows cum and digged fust
crop up but soon got nother in. Old Bisbee who was frade youd cut
his sons leggs off Ses you bet go an stan up in feeld yrself with
dressin gownd on & gesses krows will keep way. This made Boys in
store larf. no More terday from
"Yours
respecful
"Eli Perkins,"
"his letter."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Elsewhere in the archive
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account