Neatness, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in kontackt with it. When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks’ feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim. I hav seen individuals who wouldn’t let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan’t blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don’t like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi soup. Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don’t seem tew do mutch after all, for they don’t get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin. If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months. They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles. [Illustration: THE NEAT PERSON.] They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very regularly laid out, but not planted yet. If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don’t think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika. OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS--TWO OF THEM. JOHN BASCOMB. John Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Raccoon county, State ov Iowa. He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 33 feet oph. He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent him 10 dollars teu buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with. He fit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize in the late melee, and sez he won’t take sass now from enny man living. He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die for hiz religion.