I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle. He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would. KORN. Korn iz a serial, i am glad ov it. It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the goddess ov oats, and sich like. Korn iz sumtimes called _maize_, and it grows in sum parts of the western country, very amaizenly. I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don’t mean the aktual korn itself, but the tree on which it grows.) Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, which iz az deff az an adder. Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks, ov the bread purswashun, known tew man. Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire. When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a sledge hammer, they are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed upon. They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro tender, and a dog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the barn, and mutter for two days more. I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodger without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger. They git the name _dodger_ from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger. It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a korn dodger, that iz only three hours old. Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they found it I don’t kno, and i don’t know as i care. Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whiskee is one ov the greatest blessings known tew man. We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for noble whiskee. [Illustration] We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosiety, nor demokratik pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt aldermen, nor whiskee rings, nor nothing, if it want for blessed whiskee. If it want for korn, how could ennyboddy git korned? And if it want for gitting korned, what would life be worth? We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want for gitting korned. The brutes don’t git korned, they haint got enny reason nor soul. We often hear ov “_drunken brutes_,” this is a kompliment to oxen which dont belong tew them. Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are brigadeer-ginerals.