He made some sad and others angry, and they quarreled with him. One
young woman called out: "You have nothing the matter with you, and yet
death bothers you."
She said it with such anger that I noticed her, and even the old man
stopped his eulogy on death.
All the way to Lubin he comforted me, until he bored me to death. I
have seen many such people who run away from death and foolishly play
hide-and-seek with it. Even among the young there are some struck by
fear, and they are worse than the old. They are all Godless; their
souls are black within, like the pipe of a stove, and fear whistles
through them even in the fairest weather. Their thoughts are like old
pilgrims who patter on the earth, walking without knowing whither and
blindly trampling under foot the living things in their path. They have
the name of God on their lips, but they love no one and have no desire
for anything. They are occupied with only one thing: To pass on their
fears to others, so that people will take them up, the beggars, and
comfort them.
They do not go to people to get honey, but that they may pour into
another soul the deadly poison of their putrid selves. They love
themselves and are without shame in their poverty, and resemble
crippled beggars who sit on the road on the way to church and disclose
their wounds and their sores and their deformities to people, that they
may awaken pity and receive a copper.
They wander, sowing everywhere the gloomy seeds of unrest, and groan
aloud, with the desire to hear their groans reecho. But around them
surges a mighty wave--the wave of humble seekers for God and human
suffering surrounds them many colored. For instance, like that of the
young woman, the little Russian, who had talked up to the old man. She
walked silent, her lips compressed, her face sunburnt and angry, and
her eyes burning with a keen fire.. If spoken to she answered sharply,
as if she wanted to stick you with a knife.
"Rather than getting angry," I said to her, "you had better tell me
your trouble. You might feel better afterward."
"What do you want of me?"
"I don't want anything; don't be afraid."
"I am not afraid; but you are disgusting to me." "Why am I disgusting?"
"Stop insisting or I will call the people." And so she struck out at
every one--old and young, and women, too.
"I do not need you," I answered. "I need your pain, for I want to know
why people suffer."
She looked at me sideways and answered, "Go to others. They are all in
need, the devil take them." "Why curse them?"
"Because I want to."
She seemed to me like one possessed.
"For whom are you making this pilgrimage?" I asked.
A smile spread over her face. She slackened her pace and she talked,
though not to me:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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