Caucasus -- Fiction; Russia -- History -- Nicholas I, 1825-1855 -- Fiction
and with dissatisfied faces go off in another direction: above me,
flying in among the leaves which to them seem enormous islands,
mosquitoes hang in the air and buzz: one, two, three, four, a hundred,
a thousand, a million mosquitoes, and all of them buzz something or
other and each one of them is separate from all else and is just such a
separate Dmítri Olénin as I am myself.” He vividly imagined what the
mosquitoes buzzed: “This way, this way, lads! Here’s some one we can
eat!” They buzzed and stuck to him. And it was clear to him that he was
not a Russian nobleman, a member of Moscow society, the friend and
relation of so-and-so and so-and-so, but just such a mosquito, or
pheasant, or deer, as those that were now living all around him. “Just
as they, just as Daddy Eróshka, I shall live awhile and die, and as he
says truly: ‘grass will grow and nothing more’.”
“But what though the grass does grow?” he continued thinking. “Still I
must live and be happy, because happiness is all I desire. Never mind
what I am—an animal like all the rest, above whom the grass will grow
and nothing more; or a frame in which a bit of the one God has been
set,—still I must live in the very best way. How then must I live to be
happy, and why was I not happy before?” And he began to recall his
former life and he felt disgusted with himself. He appeared to himself
to have been terribly exacting and selfish, though he now saw that all
the while he really needed nothing for himself. And he looked round at
the foliage with the light shining through it, at the setting sun and
the clear sky, and he felt just as happy as before. “Why am I happy,
and what used I to live for?” thought he. “How much I exacted for
myself; how I schemed and did not manage to gain anything but shame and
sorrow! and, there now, I require nothing to be happy;” and suddenly a
new light seemed to reveal itself to him. “Happiness is this!” he said
to himself. “Happiness lies in living for others. That is evident. The
desire for happiness is innate in every man; therefore it is
legitimate. When trying to satisfy it selfishly—that is, by seeking for
oneself riches, fame, comforts, or love—it may happen that
circumstances arise which make it impossible to satisfy these desires.
It follows that it is these desires that are illegitimate, but not the
need for happiness. But what desires can always be satisfied despite
external circumstances? What are they? Love, self-sacrifice.” He was so
glad and excited when he had discovered this, as it seemed to him, new
truth, that he jumped up and began impatiently seeking some one to
sacrifice himself for, to do good to and to love. “Since one wants
nothing for oneself,” he kept thinking, “why not live for others?” He
took up his gun with the intention of returning home quickly to think
this out and to find an opportunity of doing good. He made his way out
of the thicket. When he had come out into the glade he looked around
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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