A curious tale is related of one Mr. Dod, who had a country living near Cambridge. Being impressed by the intemperance then prevalent in the University, he on one occasion preached a very vigorous condemnatory sermon on the vice of drunkenness. Soon after, several of the {289} undergraduates, who were disporting themselves at some little distance from the town, perceived Mr. Dod jogging along towards them on his old horse. Annoyed at the sermon on drinking, which had probably seemed to them as directed specially against themselves, the undergraduates rapidly consulted together, and determined in revenge to make the old man preach a sermon from a text of their own choosing. At first he declined, but his persecutors were inexorable, and he was forced to submit with the best grace he could. “Well, gentlemen,” he said, “as you are thus urgent for my compliance, pray what is the subject I am to handle?” They answered, “Sir, the word _malt_; and, for want of a better, here, Sir, is your pulpit,” pointing to the stump of a hollow tree that stood by. Whereupon the venerable man mounted the rostrum, and spoke as follows:— “Beloved, “I am a little man, come at a short warning,—to deliver a brief discourse,—upon a small subject,—to a thin congregation, and from an unworthly pulpit. “Beloved, my text is— “M A L T, “Which cannot be divided into words, it being but one; nor into syllables, it being but one: therefore, of necessity, I must reduce it into letters, which I find to be these, “M—A—L—T. “M—my beloved, is Moral. A—is Allegorical. L—is Literal, T—is Theological. “The moral is set forth to teach you drunkards good manners, therefore: M—my Masters. A—All of you. L—Listen. T—to my Text. “The allegorical is when one thing is spoken, and another is intended: the thing expressed is MALT; the thing signified is the oil of Malt, which you Bacchanals make: M—your Meat. A—your Apparel. L—your liberty. T—your Text. “The Literal is according to the letter: M—Much. A—Ale. L—Little. T—Thrift. “The Theological is according to the effects it produces, which I find to consist of two kinds. The first respects this life, the second, that which is to come. “The effects it produces in this world are in some: M—Murder. A—Adultery. L—Licentious Lives. T—Treason. {290} “The effects consequent in the world to come are: M—Misery. A—Anguish. L—Lamentation. T—Torment. “Thus, sirs, having briefly opened and explained my short text, give me leave to make a little use and improvement of the foregoing. First, by way of exhortation: M—My Masters. A—All of you. L—Look for. T—Torment. “Now to wind up the whole and draw to a close, take with you the characteristics of a drunkard. A drunkard is the annoyance of modesty, the spoil of civility, his own shame, his children’s curse, his neighbour’s scoff, the alehouse man’s benefactor, the devil’s drudge, a walking swill-bowl, the picture of a beast, and monster of a man.”