And to Anna it seemed verily as if those two young faces formed suddenly
but one—the face of youth.
If she had stayed there looking for all time, she could not have had
graven on her heart a vision more indelible. Vision of Spring, of all
that was gone from her for ever! She shrank back out of the fork of the
old ash-tree, and, like a stricken beast, went hurrying, stumbling away,
amongst the stones and bracken. She ran thus perhaps a quarter of a
mile, then threw up her arms, fell down amongst the fern, and lay there
on her face. At first her heart hurt her so that she felt nothing but
that physical pain. If she could have died! But she knew it was nothing
but breathlessness. It left her, and that which took its place she tried
to drive away by pressing her breast against the ground, by clutching
the stalks of the bracken—an ache, an emptiness too dreadful! Youth to
youth! He was gone from her—and she was alone again! She did not cry.
What good in crying? But gusts of shame kept sweeping through her; shame
and rage. So this was all she was worth! The sun struck hot on her back
in that lair of tangled fern, where she had fallen; she felt faint and
sick. She had not known till now quite what this passion for the boy had
meant to her; how much of her very belief in herself was bound up with
it; how much clinging to her own youth. What bitterness! One soft slip
of a white girl—one YOUNG thing—and she had become as nothing! But
was that true? Could she not even now wrench him back to her with the
passion that this child knew nothing of! Surely! Oh, surely! Let him
but once taste the rapture she could give him! And at that thought
she ceased clutching at the bracken stalks, lying as still as the very
stones around her. Could she not? Might she not, even now? And all
feeling, except just a sort of quivering, deserted her—as if she had
fallen into a trance. Why spare this girl? Why falter? She was first!
He had been hers out there. And she still had the power to draw him. At
dinner the first evening she had dragged his gaze to her, away from that
girl—away from youth, as a magnet draws steel. She could still bind him
with chains that for a little while at all events he would not want to
break! Bind him? Hateful word! Take him, hankering after what she could
not give him—youth, white innocence, Spring? It would be infamous,
infamous! She sprang up from the fern, and ran along the hillside, not
looking where she went, stumbling among the tangled growth, in and out
of the boulders, till she once more sank breathless on to a stone. It
was bare of trees just here, and she could see, across the river valley,
the high larch-crowned tor on the far side. The sky was clear—the sun
bright. A hawk was wheeling over that hill; far up, very near the blue!
Infamous! She could not do that! Could not drug him, drag him to her by
his senses, by all that was least high in him, when she wished for
him all the finest things that life could give, as if she had been his
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