He sat down on a bench facing the Casino. Neither the lights, nor
the people passing in and out, not even the gipsy bandsmen's music,
distracted his thoughts for a second. Could it be less than twenty-four
hours since he had picked up her handkerchief, not thirty yards away?
In that twenty-four hours he seemed to have known every emotion that man
could feel. And in all the world there was now not one soul to whom he
could speak his real thoughts—not even to her, because from her, beyond
all, he must keep at any cost all knowledge of his unhappiness. So
this was illicit love—as it was called! Loneliness, and torture! Not
jealousy—for her heart was his; but amazement, outrage, fear. Endless
lonely suffering! And nobody, if they knew, would care, or pity him one
jot!
Was there really, then, as the ancients thought, a Daemon that liked to
play with men, as men liked to stir an earwig and turn it over and put a
foot on it in the end?
He got up and made his way towards the railway-station. There was the
bench where she had been sitting when he came on her that very morning.
The stars in their courses had seemed to fight for them then; but
whether for joy he no longer knew. And there on the seat were still the
pepper berries she had crushed and strewn. He broke off another bunch
and bruised them. That scent was the ghost of sacred minutes when her
hand lay against his own. The stars in their courses—for joy or sorrow!
VII
There was no peace now for Colonel and Mrs. Ercott. They felt themselves
conspirators, and of conspiracy they had never had the habit. Yet how
could they openly deal with anxieties which had arisen solely from what
they had chanced secretly to see? What was not intended for one's eyes
and ears did not exist; no canon of conduct could be quite so sacred.
As well defend the opening of another person's letters as admit the
possibility of making use of adventitious knowledge. So far tradition,
and indeed character, made them feel at one, and conspire freely. But
they diverged on a deeper plane. Mrs. Ercott had SAID, indeed, that here
was something which could not be controlled; the Colonel had FELT it—a
very different thing! Less tolerant in theory, he was touched at
heart; Mrs. Ercott, in theory almost approving—she read that dangerous
authoress, George Eliot—at heart felt cold towards her husband's niece.
For these reasons they could not in fact conspire without, in the end,
saying suddenly: “Well, it's no good talking about it!” and almost at
once beginning to talk about it again.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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