The Days of My Life: An AutobiographyOliphant, Mrs. (Margaret)
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The Days of My Life: An Autobiography
Oliphant, Mrs. (Margaret)
Oliphant, Mrs. (Margaret), 1828-1897
I turned abruptly from him, and went to put on my bonnet. He lingered,
waiting for me--when I was ready, he took some of the wrappers I had
worn on the journey over his arm, and went down stairs before me. The
servants were astir already, and I saw breakfast prepared in the room
which I had been in last night--he held the door open for me, and
involuntarily I entered--I did not say anything. Indeed, what with the
dreadful bewilderment and uncertainty of my own position, and the pang
of foreboding that I was only called there when my father was in
extremity, I had little power to say a word--I sat down passively on the
chair he set for me by the fire, while he ordered the carriage to come
round. I accepted without a word the coffee he brought me, and tried to
drink it--I did not feel as if I had any will at all; but did everything
mechanically, as though it was imposed upon me by a stronger will, which
I could not resist. No longer the agitated youth of yesterday--the
self-reproachful and unforgiven lover, whose happiness hung on my
breath, and to whom I was ruthless, obdurate, and without pity, he was
so different this morning that I could scarcely think him the same
person. This was a man who had the sole right to think for me, to guard
me, perhaps to control me, whether I would or no--I was not strong
enough, at this moment, to resist his tacit and unexpressed authority. I
only wondered at it vaguely in the languor and weariness which was upon
me--I was worn out by last night's excitement, I had a dull terror of
expostulation in my mind; but I had not heart enough to be impatient. My
faculties were all benumbed and torpid. At another time, these few
moments of waiting would have been agony to me--but they were not so
now.
Then I heard the wheels at the door, and rose to go; he followed me
closely--assisted me in, wrapped me round with the shawls he carried,
and then took his place by my side. I made no remonstrance, I said
nothing--I submitted to all he did with a dull acquiescence, and we
drove off at a great pace. I think it did strike me for a moment how
bitterly everything was changed since I stepped from that carriage on
the previous night. Once more I leaned back and did not look at the
noble old elms in the avenue; the shadow of their branches over us, made
my heart sick, and I closed my eyes till we were once more dashing along
the free unshadowed monotonous road. A dreary and sad monotony was on
those fresh, broad plains this morning. The sky was nothing but one vast
cloud--the fitful, chill breeze, brought dashes of rain against the
windows--the country looked like an uninhabited desert. Distance,
flight, an endless race, away, away, away, towards the skies; but it was
not fleeing from my fate. My fate was here beside me, the companion of
my journey--we could not escape from each other. I was his evil
fortune, and he was mine.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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