The Days of My Life: An AutobiographyOliphant, Mrs. (Margaret)
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The Days of My Life: An Autobiography
Oliphant, Mrs. (Margaret)
Oliphant, Mrs. (Margaret), 1828-1897
He followed me as I went to the door--he followed me along the passage,
perhaps he thought I needed his support, but I was firmer in my step
than he was. I knew that his heart was yearning over me in my new
grief--I knew it better than if he had told me--but my heart was not
softened to him. I turned when I reached my door. "Why do you follow
me?" said I, "is it not enough that I have lost everything?--leave me in
peace to-night."
He held out his hands to me, he caught mine. "Oh! Hester, Hester, weep,
and weep with me," he cried, "do not condemn me to this outer
darkness--let me be with you in your grief."
I drew myself away from him. "No one can be with me in my grief, I am
desolate," I said, but I waited for no answer. I closed my door, and he
went away from the threshold--this threshold to which he had come for me
when I was a bride.
I went in and shut to my door. I shut the door of my heart, and closed
myself up alone in this dreary, solitary place. I was not without a
consciousness even now that I had left them all longing, anxious,
miserable about me; but I felt as though they were all enemies--all
enemies, as if I had not a friend in this wretched, forsaken world. I
did not think what this real blow was which had struck upon me. I only
felt my dreary, hopeless solitude, and the desire I had to be left here
unmolested. I thought it would please me to see no more a human face
again. I was in a wilderness more desolate than any Eastern
waste--there were no hearers above me, and no human fellowship around.
God and the Lord were words to me. I believed, but I did not know
them--I could not seek refuge there, and here there was not one--not one
of those I had loved so well, but had betrayed me.
My little room, my bower, my girlish sanctuary which I had left in my
bride's dress, I had returned to now, worse than a widow. Quietly and
mechanically I began to take off my dress--it was not grief but misery
which filled my heart, and there is a great difference between them. My
wretchedness stupified me, and when I laid down my head upon my pillow,
I fell at once into a heavy, deep sleep.
THE FOURTH DAY.
It was a clear, cold, sunshiny autumn morning, the atmosphere was full
of sunshine, yet there was little warmth in the air, and there were thin
misty clouds upon the sky, which looked like vapors which the earth had
thrown off from her own still bosom, and the wind carried up unchanged.
Yet out of doors it was a beautiful fresh day, and the sun beat in
through our darkened windows with a full bright flash in mockery of our
sombre shade. A dreary dull excitement was in the house--it was the
funeral day.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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