The Definite Object: A Romance of New YorkFarnol, Jeffery
General
The Definite Object: A Romance of New York
Farnol, Jeffery
New York (N.Y.) -- Fiction
"Shut up, Joe, in your ignorance; bowels is in the Bible, an' bowels
I abide by now and forever, amen! Well, there we all were, Guv, bendin'
o'er your couch o' care very silent an' solemn,
"'Not a drum was 'eard, not a funereal note'
"an' there was you s' pale an' nigh t' death--"
"You said all that afore, Old Un!" growled Joe.
"You leave me alone, Joe," said the Old Un, scowling and flourishing a
trembling fist, "you lemme be, or you'll be pale an' nigh t' death next.
Well, there was you, Guv, an' all s' pale an' still when: ''Oo giveth
this woman?' says the parson-cove very solemn. 'That's me!' says I,
quick an' ready. An' so, me 'avin' 'elped t' marry you, I've brought
Joe an' Spider t' wish you 'ealth an' 'appiness an' a j'y continual.
Now, Joe, it's your round--speak up!"
"Sir," said Joe heavily, "I--we--I mean--Lord, sir, I am that glad--ah,
glad as--as never was--"
"That'll do for you, Joe!" snapped the Old Un. "Spider's round."
Hereupon the Spider lurched forward, hunched his wide shoulders, took
off his smart cap, and stared at it very hard.
"Bo," said he, chewing vigorously, "I mean boss--er--no, that ain't
right either--this is sure a bum start I'm makin'--"
"Bo' will do, Spider," said Ravenslee, "let it go at that."
"Why then, bo, I ain't one as is ever goin' t' win any gold-mounted
testimonials at any talk-fest or heart-throbbin' spiel-act, but what I
wanter tell you is this--an' I guess you know I ain't only breathin' out
puffs o' hot air--I want yer t' know as I feel about you like--like Joe
an' the Old Un does--an' then some more. Y' see, bo, though I ain't
never held a straight flush agin four aces an' don't expect to, though
I shan't ever be a world's champion like Joe here--I guess I know to-day
what it feels like, because you ain't goin' t' snuff it, after all--an'
now I guess you're on." Saying which, the Spider dexterously shifted
his wad to the other cheek and chewed faster than ever.
"I am, Spider, and I want you to know I'm grateful to you, all three.
Also I want to thank you all for keeping this affair out of the papers,
though how you managed it beats me."
"Guv," cried the Old Un, tremulous and eager, "oh, Guv, we're fair
sleuth-hounds, we are--specially me. There ain't a 'tective nor
secret-service cove nor bloomin' bobby fit to black our shoes--specially
mine! Y' see, Guv, I know who done it; Joe thinks he knows; an' Spider
don't think at all!"
"Oh?" said Ravenslee, and looking around, caught the Spider watching him
wide-eyed, his jaws grimly tense and immobile; but meeting his glance,
the Spider lowered his eyes, shifted his smartly-gaitered legs, and
chewed viciously.
"So, Guv," piped the Old Un cheerily, "we're out for the criminal's
gore--specially me. We're goin' to track the perisher to 'is 'orrible
doom--
"'Where'er he be
To th' gallers tree
Oh, Guv, we mean t' bring him;
An' laugh with j'y
When nice an' 'igh
The blinkin' bobbies swing 'im.'"
"And you think you know who it was?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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