In a letter to his mother he assures her of the perfect tranquillity of
his mind; advises her not to entertain too sanguine hopes, but at the
same time not to be uneasy; and he adds, 'A minister of the gospel, who
now attends me, has advised me not to say too much to any of my dear
relations, but now and then I cannot avoid it.' To his dearest Nessy,
who encourages him to take hope, he says, 'Alas! it is but a broken
stick which _I_ have leaned on, and it has pierced my soul in such a
manner that I will never more trust to it, but wait with a contented
mind and patience for the final accomplishment of the Divine will....
Mrs. _Hope_ is a faithless and ungrateful acquaintance, with whom I have
now broken off all connexions, and in her stead have endeavoured to
cultivate a more sure friendship with _Resignation_, in full trust of
finding her more constant.' He desires her to write through her brother
James who is with him; and says that the reason for his having desired
her not to write much was, lest she might hurt herself by it; and he
adds, 'from an idea that your exalted sentiments upon so tender a
subject ought not to be known by an inquiring world; but,' he continues,
'do just as you like best: I am conscious that your good sense will
prompt you to nothing inconsistent with our present circumstances.' To
this she replies, in the true spirit of a character like her own. 'Yes!
my ever dearest brother, I _will_ write to you, and I know I need not
add, that in _that_ employment (while thus deprived of your loved
society) consists my only happiness. But why not express my sentiments
to yourself? I have nothing to say which I should blush to have known to
all the world;--nothing to express in my letters to you but love and
affection, and shall I blush for this? Or can I have a wish to conceal
sentiments of such a nature for an object who I am so certain merits all
my regard, and in whom the admiration of surrounding friends convinces
me I am not mistaken. No, surely; 'tis my pride, my chiefest glory, to
love you; and when you think me worthy of commendation, _that_ praise,
and _that_ only, can make me vain. I shall not therefore write to you,
my dearest brother, in a private manner, for it is unnecessary, and I
abhor all deceit; in which I know you agree with me.'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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