_Ralph._ What do I hear? 'Tis he, your uncle, my Alice! (_Embraces_ ALICE.) _Bounce._ _H_it's _h_all _h_up. 'Tis 'e 'imself, Patty. (_Embraces_ PATTY.) _Patty._ Let me alone, you exasperating Englishman! (_Releases herself._) _Mr. G._ Confound it! Susy, don't smother me! _Mrs. G._ O Simon! something's burning! I smell brimstone! _Mr. G._ Smell fiddlesticks! It's "The Magic Dye." It makes me sick: I wish I was well rid of it. And now be kind enough to tell me the meaning of this. I've been locked out of my house, my clothes lacerated by my dog, been threatened with death by my servant, with the police by my wife; and am threatened with a brain-fever, if I don't know what all this is for. _Mrs. G._ For the third reason, Simon. _Mr. G._ Eh? You're not going to bring up that subject again? _Mrs. G._ Oh, no! that's all settled. _Mr. G._ Settled? How? _Mrs. G._ (_takes paper from table, and reads_). "I, Simon Graylock, being in sound mind and body, hereby bequeath to my dearly beloved friend Ralph Cheeny, my affectionate niece Alice Chase, to have and to hold, as his lawful wife, from this day forth and forevermore; and to this union I give my consent, and subscribe my name." Signed, "Simon Graylock." _Mr. G._ Why, this is a swindle! Obtaining goods under false pretences! And you, the wife of my bosom, the partner—Do you know what this would cost me, were it known? _Mrs. G._ Yes; ten thousand dollars: Alice's portion. _Ralph._ Of which she is in no immediate want; in fact, I think I would prefer to leave it in your hands. _Mr. G._ My dearly beloved, take her, and be happy. When I die, you will find I have not forgotten you. _Mrs. G._ As did the partner of your joys, the last time you dyed; eh, Simon? _Mr. G._ My dear, let's change the subject. _Mrs. G._ If we could only change the color of your hair as easily! Why, Simon, it's purple! _Mr. G._ Is it? Then don't look at it, don't speak of it; for, if you're not pleased, I have dyed in vain. _Mrs. G._ No: for it has helped to make two people happy who were dying for each other, helped your dear wife to triumph in a good cause, and helped us all to a little amusement— _Mr. G._ At my expense. Sue, Susan, Susannah, let's change the subject. Never say die, and I never will. JOHN BOUNCE _and_ PATTY, R. MR. _and_ MRS. G., C. RALPH _and_ ALICE, L. _Curtain._ [Illustration: THE CHAMPION OF HER SEX. ] THE CHAMPION OF HER SEX. (FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY.) CHARACTERS.