The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)Bordeaux, Henry
General
The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)
Bordeaux, Henry
French fiction -- Translations into English
“He is dead! He is dead!” cried Madame Guibert. Her voice was like a
funeral dirge. Seated on the edge of the bed, icy cold, she felt hope
and life fly from her rent heart. Vainly she turned towards God, her
supreme comfort in times of sorrow. Her tearlessness was more terrible
than her weeping. She moaned aloud:
“Oh, this time it is too much. I cannot bear it! No, I am not resigned.
O God! I have always bowed to Your will. With my soul crushed I blessed
You. Now my strength is waning. I am only a poor weak old woman, and
I have suffered already more than was needed to try me. I can bear no
more--I cannot--Marcel, my Marcel!”
“Mother, Mother!” repeated Paule, as she strained her to her heart.
She felt her mother shiver as she stood there motionless in the
darkness, like a tree uprooted in the night. Then she got up, struck a
match, and with her arms around the unhappy broken woman she led her
into her room. There she wanted to help her into bed. But her mother,
who till then had allowed herself to be cared for unresisting, drew
herself up.
“No, no, I want to stand,” she said.
Paule had to dress her quickly before dressing herself. Then she took
her into the drawing-room, where she succeeded in reviving the fire,
which was almost out. She made a big blaze and put the kettle again on
the logs. Silent and desolate she walked up and down the room.
She had placed her mother near the fire in an armchair, a blanket over
her knees. Stricken to the inmost depths of a mother’s heart, Madame
Guibert sat without a movement, without a gesture, without a tear, in
a state of prostration more alarming than loud despair. She complained
no more--nor did she pray, she looked straight ahead, seeing nothing
and making no sound. Crushed by fate, she seemed completely numbed.
She could no longer feel her wounded heart beating in her breast. She
let herself sink into the abyss of her misery like a drowning man in a
fathomless sea.
Patiently Paule waited till the pent-up tears should at last break this
dreadful silence, as a stream bursts the dam that is barring its way.
But the silence and immobility continued. She came up to her Mother and
vainly tried to make her drink some tea. She knelt in front of her,
took her hands, and cried:
“Mamma, Mamma, speak to me of Marcel. Speak to me, I beg of you!”
She received no reply. She began to be afraid. She felt herself in a
solitude of death.
“Mamma, am I not your daughter, your last child, your little Paule?”
she sobbed in despair.
Madame Guibert seemed to wake from her lethargy. She saw the sorrowful
face turned up towards her in anguish. A long shiver shook her body.
She was conquered, she held out her arms to her daughter, and leaning
against her she wept. It was she who in her weakness begged for help.
For a long time the two women remained thus, mingling their tears
and their grief, knowing the sad sweetness of loving each other in
suffering.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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