At sixteen he entered an academy where he was forced to go into
athletics. The fear of injury and death plagued him so that he
broke down, but this breakdown did not last long, and he
reentered athletics and did fairly well. Indeed, in order to
break himself of fear, he became outwardly a rather daring
gymnast, hoping that what he had so often read of the sickly and
puny becoming strong and vigorous through training would be true
of him. As soon as he reached a stage in school where compulsory
training was dropped, he discontinued athletics, with much inward
relief. In fact, pride, fear of being considered a coward, was
mainly responsible for his efforts in this direction.
In college he fell under the influence of Omar Khayam and the
epicurean reaction to death. He feverishly entered pleasure and
swung easily from religious fervor to a complete agnosticism. He
became a first-nighter, knew all the chorus girls it was
possible for him to become acquainted with, learned to drink but
never learned to enjoy it. In fact, after each sensual indulgence
his reaction against himself led him to a despair which might
have terminated in suicide were it not that he feared death more
than the reproaches of his conscience. Then he fell under the
influence of a group of men and women in his college town,
philanthropists and social reformers, whose enthusiasm and energy
seemed to him miraculous, and as he grew to know them he realized
with a something like ecstasy and yet governed by intelligence,
that in such work was a compensation for death that might satisfy
both his emotions and his intelligence. Again to the surprise of
his parents, and in the face of their prediction that he would
soon "tire" of this fad, he entered into their activities and
proved himself a devoted worker. Too devoted, for now and then he
needs medical attention, and it was in one of these
"neurasthenic" periods that I met him. I learned that the spur
that kept him going, that made him energetic, was the fear that
death would overtake him before he achieved anything worth while;
that he hated to die and was appalled by the thought of death,
but that he could forget all this in work of a socially useful
kind.
F. might almost stand for mankind in his reactions to death. He
seemed to me almost too good to be true as a demonstration of a
pet thesis of mine, namely, that the fear of death is behind an
enormous amount of men's deeds and beliefs. His reaction was of
the compensatory type, where the fear arouses counter-emotions,
counter-activities. F.'s is a noble response to fear, just as the
cowardly reaction is the ignoble response.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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