The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
The eulogy pronounced by the learned phrenologist on his intellectual
developments had awakened ambitious hopes in his bosom, and Pate
determined to prepare in the most elaborate manner for the defense of
his sable client, and was confident of redeeming his reputation, which
had been so badly damaged in his encounter with Toney Belton. It was
exceedingly fortunate for him that the trial could not take place until
a week subsequent to the time when he was employed as counsel. Unlike
some other able advocates, he had none of that superficial but
convenient talent which enables its possessors to make some of their
best efforts almost impromptu. Like the bird of wisdom, he meditated
much before he opened his mouth, and seldom ventured upon any public
effort without having previously thrown his thoughts into the shape of a
written composition, which was carefully committed to memory, to be used
on the proper occasion. Had there not been an opportunity for
preparation during a whole week, that portion of his speech in defense
of Sam, which he succeeded in producing from the archives of his memory,
would, without doubt, have been far less remarkable for its beauty and
eloquence.
Demosthenes would never have been the foremost man in the Athenian forum
if he had not labored assiduously to correct his imperfections by going
daily to the seashore, with his vocal organ well ballasted with pebbles,
and delivering his orations with the winds howling around him and the
waves roaring at his feet. In imitation of so illustrious an example, M.
T. Pate, having composed an elaborate speech in defense of the
incarcerated African, daily resorted to some secluded spot, and gave
utterance to his eloquence with the birds twittering their delight, and
the frogs croaking their hoarse notes of approbation.
On a certain afternoon Toney and Tom were walking in the direction of
the Widow Wild's mansion, engaged in earnest conversation.
"But," said Toney, "Ida is entirely dependent on her eccentric uncle,
and you have but little property."
"Ida is willing to wait until I have acquired sufficient----"
"To buy a cottage big enough to hold an angel and seven sweet little
cherubs?" said Toney. "But a cottage is not all. Angels must eat, and
cherubs must have bread and butter, and it takes money to obtain a
constant supply of such articles. Love cannot live on earth without the
aid of the butcher and baker."
"I will go to work at my profession and make money," said Tom.
"That you can do," said Toney; "but it takes time."
"Ida is willing to wait for ten years," said Tom. "I wish somebody would
tell me where there is a gold mine."
"What would you do?" asked Toney.
"I would dig sixteen hours in each day until I had a hundred thousand
dollars," said Tom.
"And so would I," said Toney; "for I want exactly one hundred thousand
dollars."
"I wonder if there is not gold in our newly-acquired territory on the
Pacific coast?" said Tom.
"Would you go there?" asked Toney.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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