The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"It was," said Toney. "A few days after the rejection of his suit by the
widow, a splendid opportunity, which presented itself, for an amazing
display of his gallantry, enabled him to win her heart. On a bright
morning in July there was an unusually large congregation assembled in
groups in front of the village church, which stands in a grove of fine
old trees, affording a delightful shade. While the people were thus
awaiting the arrival of their pastor, the widow rode up, accompanied by
her eldest son, a boy of twelve years of age. The lad dismounted and led
the widow's steed to a big chestnut stump, then used as a horseblock.
She attempted to dismount, but just at that moment the horse suddenly
started to one side, and she was caught on the pommel, and there hung
suspended, like Mohammed's coffin, between heaven and earth. The gawky
boy exclaimed, 'Great golly!' and stood holding the horse. The ladies
shrieked and put down their veils, and the gentlemen, instead of going
to the rescue, turned away as if seized with a sudden panic. In this
emergency the remarkable presence of mind of Simon Dobbs was wonderfully
demonstrated. Hearing the cries of the distressed lady, he coolly put
his hand in his pocket and drew forth a large knife, which he was
accustomed to use in his orchard for pruning purposes; then turning his
back and opening the blade, he advanced backward until his shoulders
almost touched her as she hung in a state of awful suspense; when with a
skillful movement of the knife he cut off the end of the dress which
clung to the pommel, and the lady fell unharmed to the ground. A shout
of applause rewarded this noble achievement; and from that day the heart
of the buxom widow was the property of Simon Dobbs."
"So it should have been," said the Professor. "In books of chivalry and
romance a valorous knight, who rescues a fair one in distress, is always
rewarded by the possession of that important organ."
"The pastor did not come," said Toney. "The reverend gentleman was sick;
but the congregation found an efficient substitute in M. T. Pate, who
mounted the pulpit and read the usual prayers, and then selected the
ninth chapter of Genesis. When in his loud and solemn tones Pate read
the twenty-third verse, every eye in the congregation was directed first
towards the widow and then towards Simon Dobbs. The widow went home and
read the chapter over and was deeply impressed. She was convinced that
Simon Dobbs was a good man, and could be compared to the favorite sons
of the patriarch. She knew that he would make a devoted husband. When
Dobbs called on the following day to inquire after her health, she
blushed until her face was as ruddy as the morning, and Dobbs saw in her
blushes the beams of an Aurora which was the harbinger of his
happiness."
"Too poetical, Toney," said the Professor. "But proceed. What did Dobbs
do?"
"He drew his chair close up to the widow; and this time as he approached
her he did not turn his back."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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