The Funny Side of Physic: Or, The Mysteries of Medicine, Presenting the Humorous and Serious Sides of Medical Practice. An Exposé of Medical Humbugs, Quacks, and Charlatans in All Ages and All Countries.Crabtre, Addison Darre
History
The Funny Side of Physic: Or, The Mysteries of Medicine, Presenting the Humorous and Serious Sides of Medical Practice. An Exposé of Medical Humbugs, Quacks, and Charlatans in All Ages and All Countries.
Crabtre, Addison Darre
Medicine -- Anecdotes; Quacks and quackery
This fellow, whom I am now to describe, who sometimes prefixes "professor"
to his name, was born in the State of New Hampshire, and when a young man
came to this city to seek his fortune. After various ups and downs, he
became boot-black, porter, and general lackey in the Pearl Street House,
then in full blast. He was said to be a youth of rather prepossessing,
though insinuating address, and being constantly on the alert for odd
pennies and "dimes," succeeded in keeping himself in pocket-money without
committing theft, or otherwise compromising his liberty. But the odd
change, and his meagre salary, did not long remain in pocket, for the
courtesans, who are ever on the alert for unsophisticated youth who throng
to the cities, managed to obtain the lion's share from this embryo doctor,
whose future greatness he himself never half suspected. Disease, the usual
result of intercourse with such creatures, was the consequent inheritance
of this young man.
"What, in the name of Heaven, shall I now do?" he asked himself, in his
distress and despair. "Money I have none. O God! what shall I do?"
"Drown yourself," replied the tempter.
Such fellows seldom drown. Females, their victims, drown; but who ever
heard of a natural-born villain committing suicide, unless to escape the
threatening halter?
No, he did not drown, though it had been better for humanity if he had. He
went to an old advertising charlatan, who then kept an office in a lower
street of this city, a mercenary old vampire, named Stevens. Into the
august presence of the charlatan young M. entered, and, trembling and
weeping, told his history.
[Illustration: A BOSTON QUACK EXAMINING A STUDENT.]
"Have you got any money, young man?" growled the old doctor, wheeling
around, and for the first time condescending to notice the poor wretch.
"No," he sobbed in a pitiful voice.
"Then what do you come here for, sir?" roared the doctor, whose pity was
a thing of the past. His soul was impenetrable to the appeal of suffering
as the hide of the rhinoceros to a leaden bullet.
The young man, fortunately, did not know this fact, and persevered.
"I thought I might work for you to pay for treatment. O, I'll do
anything--sweep your office, wash up the floors and bottles, black your
boots, do anything and everything, if you'll only cure me. O, do! Say you
will, sir!" and the young man writhed in agony of suspense.
"Humph!" grunted the old doctor, contemplatingly.
Doubtless he was considering the advantages which might accrue from
accepting the proposition of this earnest applicant, for, after eying him
sharply, and beating the devil's tattoo for a few moments upon his table,
the doctor condescended to "look into his case," and finally to treat the
young man's disease upon the proposed terms.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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