We had often congratulated ourselves upon our immunity from snakes,
never having seen even one in our Bailiwick; but our sweet dreams of
peace were rudely disturbed by this Baron Munchausen who horrified our
ladies one day, by saying that he went into our church to make some
repairs, and there met a rattle-snake which swallowed him whole at one
full swoop; at once he recalled the Sunday-school lesson of Jonah in
the whale's belly, took courage, struck a match, made a bonfire of his
hat, and by its light cut his way out with his hatchet, ran to his
house, got his gun and shot the snake, which was so large that he had
not noticed the man's cutting, nor his escape, but was vastly enjoying
his after dinner nap. This man long bore the honors of being the
champion liar and champion hunter of the universe.
Thus, rapidly, sped away our days replete with alternating smiles and
tears until arrived the time for our annual stockholders' election. On
our way to Ocala to attend this important event, I conversed at length
with the Rev. W----, upon whom I had conferred many and profitable
favors. This ostentatiously pious individual expressed much gratitude
for my kindness to him, assured me that my administration of affairs
had been a grand success, that I had gained the merited respect and
confidence of all the people in the town and that he would urge my
reelection as general manager, with all his strength.
The conference progressed very harmoniously for awhile, when I was
called out to see a man on some important business, and on reentering
the room, I noticed some excitement among the members, when General
Chamberlain, the president, called me to his chair and frankly told
me, in the hearing of all, that the Rev. W---- had, as soon as I left,
denounced me fiercely as a fraud and a liar, stating that I had the
respect of no one in B----; that the town would be ruined were I
reelected; that he himself would take my position without any salary,
relying solely upon commission from land sales, as compensation, and
that he made this statement at the unanimous request of the citizens
of the town.
All eyes were turned to me for an explanation. I looked for awhile
at the hypocritical clergyman very steadily, until he cringed like a
viper, and turned pale as a ghost. I then narrated the statements made
to me scarcely an hour before, called upon him for some proof of his
accusations, and closed by saying that I would not accept a reelection
unless it came to me unanimously. The craven reverend left the room
without a word; I was reelected without a dissenting vote, and thus
closed one of the most revolting revelations of depravity that I ever
witnessed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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