The Greatest Plague of Life: or, the Adventures of a Lady in Search of a Good Servant.Mayhew, Henry
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The Greatest Plague of Life: or, the Adventures of a Lady in Search of a Good Servant.
Mayhew, Henry
English wit and humor; Household employees
Next morning, I went down into the kitchen, at my usual hour, to see
about our dinner. To make sure that Miss Betsy had not been treating
herself and _that_ Wittals to a hot supper off my round of beef, as I
knew, from the savoury smell there used to be down stairs very often of
a night, she was in the habit of doing, though I had never been lucky
enough to catch her in the fact, I just stepped into the larder to see
that a slice hadn’t been taken off. At the first glance I caught of the
round, I thought it had a very strange look about it, for it seemed to
have lost the beautiful rich colour it had. So as our larder was rather
dark, I told Betsy to carry it into the kitchen, and put it on the
dresser. When I saw it fairly in the light, oh dear! oh dear! if it
wasn’t as white as parchment! “What on earth _have_ you been doing to
this meat, you good-for-nothing woman, you?” I exclaimed, drawing it
close to me; “and what, in the name of all that’s filthy, are these
black things?” I continued, just going to take hold of one of them, when
I saw it move, and then, goodness gracious, the truth burst upon me!
“Oh, you shameful, disobedient minx, if these are not the very leeches
that I told you to throw into Mr. Simmonds’s garden.” And when I came to
look well into the bleached round of beef, positively there were as many
as four of the filthy, slimy vampires, who, having sucked the thing
quite white, and till they were nearly as big as small black puddings,
were now hanging down the sides, for all the world like the tails on my
imitation ermine tippet. “Where have you put the other two?” I
exclaimed, in a most tremendous passion; “tell me this minute, or I’ll
have you up before a magistrate, for wilfully destroying my property, I
will.” This put my lady in such a fright that she wasn’t long in
pointing them out to me on the wash-hand-stand in Wittals’s room; and it
was lucky I found them as soon as I did, for their noses were just over
the rim of the bottle, and if I’d been a minute later, I should have had
them crawling about the house, and fastening upon the legs of goodness
knows who.
I caught hold of the bottle, and poking the things back into the water
with the end of the young urchin’s hair brush, I rushed with the whole
concern down to the end of the garden, and threw the voracious little
black monsters, bottle and all, right into the Simmondses’
garden--though, as it afterwards turned out, it would have been much
better if I had left them where I had found them--for no sooner did that
young monkey of a Wittals miss his darling leeches, and learn from Miss
Betsy what had become of them, than he must needs go clambering over the
wall, and, not content with bringing them back into the house again,
must go putting them into one of my empty lozenge boxes, and leaving it
on the dresser with the filthy things inside of it, while he went to get
another bottle to keep them in, as I afterwards found out, to my cost.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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