But I determined to clear up all doubts about the matter, and so I set a trap, into which my lady fell, and I caught her as nicely as ever she was caught in the whole course of her life. I told her that I was going round to dear mother’s, to tea, (though of course I never intended to be silly enough to do anything of the kind;) and accordingly I left the house, and went to make a few little odd purchases in the neighbourhood, and then returned in about an hour’s time, saying that, unfortunately, mother was from home, (though, for the matter of that, I didn’t know whether she was or not.) It was very easy to see that my lady was quite flustered at my coming back so unexpectedly. Of course I went straight into the parlour, and told her to bring me up the tea-things, and then I shouldn’t want her any more; for I wasn’t going to be such a simpleton as to go down then, as I felt convinced that directly she heard my knock at the door she had stowed away her gallant son of Mars in the coal-cellar. Just as I had expected, the tea things came up in about half-an-hour. When she brought them, I pretended to be fast asleep on the sofa, and about five minutes after she had put them on the table, I crept down stairs so softly that I declare I could scarcely hear my own footstep; and on opening the door suddenly, as if I wanted to go to the wine-cellar, lo, and behold! there my Life Guardsman was, true enough, and as far as I could judge, Mr. Ned Twist himself--and though all the things had been cleared away, still from the gravy and bits of pie-crust that were hanging to the fellow’s mustachios, I could see that my gentleman had been at _my_ beef-steak pie with a vengeance. Miss Susan, however, was far from losing her presence of mind, and was even with me in a minute; for she rose from her chair, and introduced me to Mr. Ned Twist, saying, “My cousin, Mam,” while her cousin (pretty cousin, indeed!) jumped to the other side of the room, and drawing himself as straight up as a six-foot rule, put his hand sideways to his forehead, as a mark of respect to the mistress of his _relation_, (Augh, I can’t bear such deceit!) As he was a great tall man, and I was a poor lone woman, with my husband in the country, I thought it best to be civil to the good-looking monster, (though I could have given it him well, I could!) so I begged of him not to disturb himself, but to sit down quietly, and make himself quite at home with his _cousin_. Then I went up stairs, and putting on my bonnet and shawl, slipped out of the house as quick as I could--though, bother take it, I couldn’t get the street-door to close after me without making a noise. Then I went up to the first policeman I met with, and told him he must come with me that instant, as I wanted to give a man in charge for robbing me of my beef-steak pie. But on going back, the bird had flown; so I had to offer the policeman my thanks and a glass of table-beer,--which, however, the