Autobiographical fiction; France -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
I should have liked to reply that at this degrading luncheon the
conversation had been entirely about Emerson, Ibsen and Tolstoy, and
that the young woman had lectured Robert to make him drink nothing but
water. In the hope of bringing some balm to Robert, whose pride had, I
felt, been wounded, I sought to find an excuse for his mistress. I did
not know that at that moment, in spite of his anger with her, it was on
himself that he was heaping reproaches. But it always happens, even in
quarrels between a good man and a worthless woman, and when the right is
all on one side, that some trifle crops up which enables the woman to
appear not to have been in the wrong on one point. And as she ignores
all the other points, the moment the man begins to feel the need of her
company, or is demoralised by separation from her, his weakness will
make his conscience more exacting, he will remember the absurd
reproaches that have been flung at him and will ask himself whether they
have not some foundation in fact.
“I’ve come to the conclusion I was wrong about that matter of the
necklace,” Robert said to me. “Of course, I never meant for a moment to
do anything wrong, but, I know very well, other people don’t look at
things in the same way as oneself. She had a very hard time when she was
young. In her eyes, I was bound to appear just the rich man who thinks
he can get anything he wants with his money, and with whom a poor person
cannot compete, whether in trying to influence Boucheron or in a
lawsuit. Of course she has been horribly cruel to me, when I have never
thought of anything but her good. But I do see clearly, she believes
that I wanted to make her feel that one could keep a hold on her with
money, and that’s not true. And she’s so fond of me; what must she be
thinking of me? Poor darling, if you only knew, she has such charming
ways, I simply can’t tell you, she has often done the most adorable
things for me. How wretched she must be feeling now! In any case,
whatever happens in the long run, I don’t want to let her think me a
cad; I shall dash off to Boucheron’s and get the necklace. You never
know; very likely when she sees me with it, she will admit that she’s
been in the wrong. Don’t you see, it’s the idea that she is suffering at
this moment that I can’t bear. What one suffers oneself one knows;
that’s nothing. But with her—to say to oneself that she’s suffering and
not to be able to form any idea of what she feels—I think I shall go mad
in a minute—I’ld much rather never see her again than let her suffer.
She can be happy without me, if she must; that’s all I ask. Listen; you
know, to me everything that concerns her is enormously important, it
becomes something cosmic; I shall run to the jeweller’s and then go and
ask her to forgive me. But until I get down there what will she be
thinking of me? If she could only know that I was on my way! What about
your going down there and telling her? For all we know, that might
settle the whole business.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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