the buttered toast and the smell of the hot tea, on the two old cats
curled fast asleep before the fender, and made them instruments of
exquisite pain and regret. Each of these strange houses that he passed
was identified in his mind with his own vanished home; all was prepared
and ready as in the old days, but he was shut out, judged and condemned
to wander in the frozen mist, with weary feet, anguished and forlorn,
and they that would pass from within to help him could not, neither
could he pass to them. Again, for the hundredth time, he came back to
the sentence: he could not gain the art of letters and he had lost the
art of humanity. He saw the vanity of all his thoughts; he was an
ascetic caring nothing for warmth and cheerfulness and the small
comforts of life, and yet he allowed his mind to dwell on such things.
If one of those passers-by, who walked briskly, eager for home, should
have pitied him by some miracle and asked him to come in, it would have
been worse than useless, yet he longed for pleasures that he could not
have enjoyed. It was as if he were come to a place of torment, where
they who could not drink longed for water, where they who could feel no
warmth shuddered in the eternal cold. He was oppressed by the grim
conceit that he himself still slept within the matted thicket,
imprisoned by the green bastions of the Roman fort. He had never come
out, but a changeling had gone down the hill, and now stirred about the
earth.
Beset by such ingenious terrors, it was not wonderful that outward
events and common incidents should abet his fancies. He had succeeded
one day in escaping from the mesh of the streets, and fell on a rough
and narrow lane that stole into a little valley. For the moment he was
in a somewhat happier mood; the afternoon sun glowed through the
rolling mist, and the air grew clearer. He saw quiet and peaceful
fields, and a wood descending in a gentle slope from an old farmstead
of warm red brick. The farmer was driving the slow cattle home from the
hill, and his loud halloo to his dog came across the land a cheerful
mellow note. From another side a cart was approaching the clustered
barns, hesitating, pausing while the great horses rested, and then
starting again into lazy motion. In the well of the valley a wandering
line of bushes showed where a brook crept in and out amongst the
meadows, and, as Lucian stood, lingering, on the bridge, a soft and
idle breath ruffled through the boughs of a great elm. He felt soothed,
as by calm music, and wondered whether it would not be better for him
to live in some such quiet place, within reach of the streets and yet
remote from them. It seemed a refuge for still thoughts; he could
imagine himself sitting at rest beneath the black yew tree in the farm
garden, at the close of a summer day. He had almost determined that he
would knock at the door and ask if they would take him as a lodger,
when he saw a child running towards him down the lane. It was a little
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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