The History and Records of the Elephant ClubDoesticks, Q. K. Philander
General
The History and Records of the Elephant Club
Doesticks, Q. K. Philander
American wit and humor
"_Judge._--I think, Mr. O'Grady, you may dispense with further argument,
as it would be superfluous. Mrs. Hennesy's house and its inmates have
never been complained of before that I am aware of, and in consideration
of this fact I'll discharge the prisoners, giving them warning, however,
in the future that if they are any of them brought before me again, I
shall not deal with them so leniently. You may go.
"The interesting party left the court.
"The business of the court having been quite extended, the Judge cast
eyes upon the clock, observing that the hour was already advanced, but
as he looked at the list of cases before him, he observed with a seeming
satisfaction, that he had now reached the last; he felicitated himself
with the idea that in a few moments he would be at liberty to leave the
premises, and after finding his way to some neighboring restaurant,
partake of his judicial sirloin steak and coffee. He was evidently
fatigued, but he put on a good-humored face as he called out:
"'Timothy Mulrooney.'
"'Here, sir,' said a young Milesian, remarkable for nothing in
particular; 'here I am, sir:' and Timothy Mulrooney stepped forward to
the bar.
"The Judge addressed the prisoner:
"'Timothy,' said he, 'you are charged with disorderly conduct.'
"'Yes sir, he is, and it's me that chairges him wid that same,' spoke up
an old woman, dressed in a heavy, blue cloth cloak, and an antiquated
cap and bonnet.
"_Judge._--Are you the witness?
"_Woman._--Av coorse I am, your honor, and it's me pride that I can
spake against Tim Mulrooney--the dirty tief of the world that he is (to
the prisoner), and I wondher, Tim, that you're not ashamed to howld up
yer head before his honor.
"_Judge._--Madame, state the facts as they occurred.
"_Witness._--Well, place your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or
Saturday mornin', I don't know which; but be that as it may, it doesn't
make anny difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor
wants for to know, when I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
door; sez I to myself, now Michael has come wid the porgies, and--
"_Judge._--Who is Michael?
"_Witness._--And don't ye know Michael, sure? he is my own child, and a
betther-behaved and more dacent boy nor him never sang at a wake; and he
can rade and write yer honor, as well as annybody, barrin' that whin he
comes to the big words he has to skip them, and guess at what they mane;
but that is not his fault, yer honor, for Michael never had any time to
go to school, still--
"_Judge._--Madame, you shouldn't let your tongue fly off in a tangent in
this way. What we desire to know is relative to the charge preferred by
you against Timothy Mulrooney, here.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
The History and Records of the Elephant Club — John Shaqi
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