The History and Records of the Elephant ClubDoesticks, Q. K. Philander
General
The History and Records of the Elephant Club
Doesticks, Q. K. Philander
American wit and humor
"Gentlemen, three days since I received a call from my friend Buxton. He
appeared melancholy and dejected, which surprised me; but what surprised
me more, in respect to his present appearance, was the manifest
disarrangement of his collar. It did not stand up on one side with the
majestic erectness which characterized it on the other. On the left it
was hanging down flabbily; its self-sustaining power was departed.
"I saw, by his countenance, that something important to him had
occurred, and the appearance of his collar only tended to confirm my
suspicions. I accordingly asked him what was the trouble.
"'Trouble,' said he, 'enough of it. Sir,' he continued, 'last night I
was locked up in a cell at the station-house, for exercising the
privileges of a freeman--a native American citizen. I was arrested, and
violently dragged off to that cell, where I remained last night, and
this morning was tried before the magistrate, only, however, to be
acquitted. What made it worse was, that I should be arrested with a
nigger, and be tried with a nigger, and acquitted with a nigger. He was
a huge nigger--a colossal nigger--a nigger fully six feet and four
inches in height; his face betrayed no evidence of light--it was all
shade; he was a nigger, above all others, so black, that he would make
an excellent drum-major to a funeral procession, if custom sanctioned
the employment of that non-commissioned official on such occasions.
Inasmuch, however, as custom doesn't do any such thing, the next best
use to which the sable giant could be put, would be to make his face
the figurehead of a Broadway mourning store; with the exception of his
large size and remarkable black face, the nigger in question looked very
much like other niggers not in question. He was a nigger, in fact, who
gave as his name the half-classic and half-descriptive appellation of
Cesar Freeman. I have always been a "woolly-head" until now, but may I
be bursted if I don't go and join the Know Nothings to-morrow, and begin
a crusade against all niggers--particularly nigger-giants and nigger
women.
"'How did this occur?' I inquired, anxiously.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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