So vile your grimace, and so croaking your speech, One scarcely can tell if you're laughing or crying; Were you fix'd on one's funeral sermon to preach, The bare apprehension would keep one from dying. THE WISE CHILD. How plain your little darling says "Mamma," But still she calls you "Doctor," not "Papa." One thing is clear: your conscientious rib Has not yet taught the pretty dear to fib. SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC. "Be less prolix," says Grill. I like advice-- "Grill, you're an ass!" Now surely that's concise. CUPID AND MERCURY, OR THE BARGAIN. Sly Cupid late with Maia's son Agreed to live as friend and brother; In proof, his bow and shafts the one Chang'd for the well-fill'd purse of t'other. And now, the transfer duly made, Together through the world they rove; The thieving god in arms array'd, And gold the panoply of love! FRITZ. Quoth gallant Fritz, "I ran away To fight again another day." The meaning of his speech is plain, He only fled to fly again. ON DORILIS. That Dorilis thus, on her lap as he lies, Should kiss little Pompey, excites no surprise; But the lapdog whom thus she keeps fondling and praising, Licks her face in return--that I own is amazing! TO A SLOW WALKER AND QUICK EATER. So slowly you walk, and so quickly you eat, You should march with your mouth, and devour with your feet. ON TWO BEAUTIFUL ONE-EYED SISTERS Give up one eye, and make your sister's two, Venus she then would be, and Cupid you. THE PER-CONTRA, OR MATRIMONIAL BALANCE How strange, a deaf wife to prefer! True, but she's also dumb, good sir. EPIGRAMS S. T. COLERIDGE. AN EXPECTORATION, Or Spienetic Extempore, on my joyful departure from the city of Cologne. As I am rhymer, And now, at least, a merry one, Mr. Mum's Eudesheimer, And the church of St. Geryon, Are the two things alone, That deserve to be known, In the body-and-soul-stinking town of Cologne. EXPECTORATION THE SECOND. In Clon, the town of monks and bones, And pavements fanged with murderous stones, And rags, and hags, and hideous wenches, I counted two-and-seventy stenches, All well defined and separate stinks! Ye nymphs that reign o'er sewers and sinks, The river Rhine, it is well known, Doth wash your city of Cologne. But tell me, nymphs, what power divine Shall henceforth wash the river Rhine? TO A LADY, Offended by a sportive observation that women have no souls. Nay, dearest Anna, why so grave? I said you had no soul,'tis true, For what you ARE you can not HAVE; 'Tis _I_ that have one since I first had you. AVARO. [STOLEN FROM LESSING.] There comes from old Avaro's grave A deadly stench--why sure they have Immured his SOUL within his grave. BEELZEBUB AND JOB. Sly Beelzebub took all occasions To try Job's constancy and patience. He took his honor, took his health, He took his children, took his wealth, His servants, oxen, horses, cows-- But cunning Satan did not take his spouse.