“I was as mad as a Texas steer. Here are some of the questions: ‘Did you ever have a grandfather? and if so, what was his vocation?’ ‘Have you contracted the toothbrush habit?’ ‘Are you addicted to the use of the double negative?’ ‘Spell phthisis, strychnine, pneumonia?’ Fine questions these to put to a gentleman worth a cool million! I told him to go to —— with his queen; and I’m going to have my private secretary write a letter to the President, complaining of Phelps, and demanding that he be discharged.” _Eugene Field._ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ _OUR TWO OPINIONS._ US two wuz boys when we fell out,— Nigh to the age uv my youngest now; Don’t rec’lect what ’t wuz about, Some small deeff’rence, I’ll allow. Lived next neighbours twenty years, A-hatin’ each other, me ’nd Jim,— _He_ havin’ _his_ opinyin uv _me_, ’nd _I_ havin’ _my_ opinyin uv _him_. Grew up together ’nd wouldn’t speak, Courted sisters, ’nd marr’d ’em, too; ’tended same meetin’-house oncet a week, A-hatin’ each other through ’nd through! But when Abe Linkern asked the West F’r soldiers, we answered,—me ’nd Jim,— _He_ havin’ _his_ opinyin uv _me_, ’nd _I_ havin’ _my_ opinyin uv _him_. But down in Tennessee one night Ther wuz sound uv firin’ fur away, ’nd the sergeant allowed ther’d be a fight With the Johnnie Rebs some time nex’ day; ’nd as I wuz thinkin’ uv Lizzie ’nd home Jim stood afore me, long ’nd slim,— _He_ havin’ _his_ opinyin uv _me_, ’nd _I_ havin’ _my_ opinyin uv _him_. [Illustration: “US TWO SHUCK HANDS.”] Seemed like we knew ther wuz goin’ to be Serious trouble f’r me ’nd him; Us two shuck hands, did Jim ’nd me, But never a word from me or Jim! He went _his_ way ’nd _I_ went _mine_, ’nd into the battle’s roar went we,— _I_ havin’ _my_ opinyin uv Jim, ’nd _he_ havin’ _his_ opinyin uv _me._ Jim never come back from the war again, But I hain’t forgot that last, last night When, waitin’ f’r orders, us two men Made up ’nd shuck hands, afore the fight. ’nd after it all, it’s soothin’ to know That here _I_ be ’nd yonder’s Jim,— _He_ havin’ _his_ opinyin uv _me_, ’nd _I_ havin’ _my_ opinyin uv _him_. _Eugene Field._