The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
I went up stairs to bed. I spose I’d been snoozin half a hour when I was
woke up by a noise at the door. I sot up in bed, leanin on my elbers and
rubbin my eyes, and I saw the follerin picter: The Elder stood in the
doorway, with a taller candle in his hand. He hadn’t no wearin appeerel
on except his night close, which fluttered in the breeze like a Seseshun
flag. He sed, “You’re a man of sin!” then groaned and went away.
I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf with the pretty little
Shakeresses, mounted on my Californy Bar. I thawt the Bar insisted on
steerin strate for my dooryard in Baldinsville, and that Betsy Jane cum
out and giv us a warm recepshun with a panfull of bilin water. I was
woke up arly by the Elder. He sed refreshments was reddy for me down
stairs. Then sayin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away.
As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vittles was, I cum
across the Elder and the old female I’d met the night before, and what
d’ye spose they was up to? Huggin and kissin like young lovers in their
gushingist state. Sez I, “My Shaker frends, I reckon you’d better
suspend the rules, and git marrid!”
“You must excoos Brother Uriah,” sed the female; “he’s subjeck to fits,
and hain’t got no command over hisself when he’s into ’em.”
“Sartinly,” sez I, “I’ve bin took that way myself frequent.”
“You’re a man of sin!” sed the Elder.
Arter breakfust my little Shaker frends cum in agin to clear away the
dishes.
“My pretty dears,” sez I, “shall we _yay_ agin?”
“Nay,” they sed, and I _nay’d_.
The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to hav sarvices
that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and went. The meetin house
was as neat as a pin. The floor was white as chalk and smooth as glass.
The Shakers was all on hand, in clean weskits and meal bags, ranged on
the floor like milingtery companies, the mails on one side of the room,
and the females on tother. They commenst clappin their hands and singin
and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up
they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you. Elder Uriah, in particler,
exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his
time of life, and as he cum a double shuffle near where I sot, I
rewarded him with a approvin smile and said, “Hunky boy! Go it, my gay
and festiv cuss.”
“You’re a man of sin!” he said, continnering his shuffle.
The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker to say a
few remarks. He sed they was Shakers, and all was ekal. They was the
purest and seleckest peple on the yearth. Other peple was sinful as they
could be, but Shakers was all right. Shakers was all goin kerslap to the
Promist Land, and nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar ’em out,
if they did they’d git run over.
The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter they was threw, one of
’em axed me what I thawt of it.
Sez I, “What does it siggerfy?”
“What?” sez he.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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