The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
“It might be,” replied Miss Garr, still pursuing the thought into which
she had been drifted, and in which she had gradually drowned some of her
indignation at the unsuspecting Archibald. Lang’s late conduct may have
been dictated by insanity—proposing to Amelia after engaging himself to
her, Sophia Garr! “Really, Mr. Beanson, it might be.”
“Indeed, madam? Then we must guard against that!”
The client looked inquiringly at the lawyer, who was for a moment
wrapped in a mute study. “Can the defence, madam,” demanded Mr. Beanson
at last, “can—can they prove that you have ever been in Stockton, or any
private insane asylum?”
Here the reader who has visited the Sandwich Islands may pause to
congratulate himself. Remembering the crater of Mauna Loa, he will have
a more vivid idea of Miss Garr’s feelings than anything but that molten
sea of lava could possibly suggest. Sophia jumped indignantly to her
feet, and poured a tide of epithets, so seething-hot, over the head of
the astonished Archibald, that for a moment he succumbed before it,
blank and still as some patriarchal porpoise, lava-cooked and cast upon
the beach of Hawaii.
[Illustration: “‘YOU WRETCH!’”]
“You wretch!” was the comparatively calm peroration of Miss Garr,
“you—you horrid wretch! I have a mind to sue you for slander. How dare
you put such a stigma on my character when you know, or ought to know,
that George Lang is the one that is insane!”
“Oh, ah! George Lang, my employer?” exclaimed Mr. Beanson, coming to
life. “That’s the gentleman you would prosecute. Well, now!”
To the intense astonishment of Archibald an increasing bitterness of
manner succeeded, and he said, “If you are not insane, madam, you are
certainly in your dotage. Why, look at this desk, here! Every one of
these papers is a deed made out by order of the gentleman you would rob.
Go along with your breach of promise! The court would send you to an
asylum as sure as guns!”
Mr. Beanson’s face grew brighter as his indignation grew, and his entire
head was girt about with an unwonted appearance of youth. Sophia’s rough
handling, like sandpaper upon an antique bust, had rubbed some of the
yellow mould away—had lifted that mysterious veil woven by the semblance
of years, and had opened up to her eyes and ours, the perfect glories of
Mr. Beanson’s Golden Age.
“You came here, no doubt, madam,” continued Archibald, with no such
interruption as the foregoing paragraph; “in fact, I feel sure, madam,
you came here to prevail on me to enter into a plot against my only
present employer, and may be (here Mr. Beanson was very bitter in the
curl of his lip and his general tone), may be?—no, I am sure, too, that
you would attempt to marry me at last, as a meet punishment for being
your accomplice. Oh! I see it in your eye, madam; you need not deny it!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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