_Approbativeness_, 7, + Hat well brushed. Hair ditto. Mark the effect of that _plus_ sign. _Self-esteem_, 6. His face shows that. _Benevolence_, 9. That’ll please him. _Conscientiousness_, 8½ That fraction looks first-rate. _Mirthfulness_, 7 Has laughed twice since he came in. _Ideality_, 9. That sounds well. _Form, Size, Weight, 4 to 6. Average everything that can’t be Colour_} guessed. _Locality, Eventuality_, } _etc., etc._ } And so of the other faculties. Of course, you know, that isn’t the way the Phrenologists do. They go only by the bumps. What do you keep laughing so for? (to the boarders). I only said that is the way _I_ should practise “Phrenology” for a living. _Oliver Wendell Holmes._ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ _APHORISMS._ WE know but few men, a great many coats and breeches. To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake. How could I have looked him in the face? I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another. A man sits as many risks as he runs. There are nowadays professors of philosophy, but not philosophers. If you give money, spend yourself with it. Sometimes we are inclined to class those who are once-and-a-half-witted with the half-witted, because we appreciate only a third part of their wit. _Thoreau._ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ _AN ENGLISH FUNERAL._ LONDON, _October 15, 1802_. THE most humorous sight which I have seen was an English funeral, performed in the most fashionable manner; for you must know they _perform funerals_ here. An undertaker’s sign exhibits these words, “Funerals performed.” The first one which I saw was such a novelty, I followed it a short distance, not knowing what it was; and, as my manner is to question every one whom I think can give me any information (a Yankee custom), I asked an honest fellow “what the show was?” He seemed a little offended, but directly replied, “_You may know one day, if you do not come to the gallows._” This man, like Chatham, was “original and unaccommodating.” But, observing that I was surprised at his answer, and feeling, perhaps, a little mortified, he asked, “Do you live in London?” I told him I had just come. “Well, but people die, sometimes, in your town.” By this I discovered that the _performance_ was a funeral. _William Austin._ ------------------------------------------------------------------------