head, as unhappy accidents had occurred—the hair growing freely from the ends of the fingers, if used with the bare hand. He then seated himself at the table, and rapidly filling up what appeared to me a blank certificate, he soon handed over the following singular document:— “Phrenological Chart of the Head of Mr. John Phœnix, by Flatbroke B. Dodge, Professor of Phrenology, and inventor and proprietor of Dodge’s celebrated Hair Invigorator, Stimulator of the Conscience, and Arouser of the Mental Faculties:— Temperament—_Lymphatic, Nervous, Bilious_. Size of Head, 11. Amativeness, 11½. Caution, 3. Conscientiousness, 12. Destructiveness, 9. Hope, 10. Imitation, 11. Self-Esteem, ½. Benevolence, 12. Combativeness, 2½. Credulity, 1. Causality, 12. Mirth, 1. Language, 12. Firmness, 2. Veneration, 12. Philoprogenitiveness, 0.” Having gazed on this for a few moments in mute astonishment—during which the Professor took a glass of brandy and water, and afterwards a mouthful of tobacco—I turned to him and requested an explanation. “Why,” said he, “it’s very simple; the number 12 is the maximum, 1 the minimum; for instance, you are as benevolent as a man can be—therefore I mark you, Benevolence, 12. You have little or no self-esteem—hence I place you, Self-esteem, ½. You’ve scarcely any credulity, don’t you see?” _I did see!_ This was my discovery. I saw at a flash how the English language was susceptible of improvement, and, fired with the glorious idea, I rushed from the room and the house; heedless of the Professor’s request that I would buy more of his Invigorator; heedless of his alarmed cry that I would pay for the bottle I had got; heedless that I tripped on the last step of the Gyascutus House, and smashed there the precious fluid (the step has now a growth of four inches of hair on it, and the people use it as a door-mat); I rushed home, and never grew calm till with pen, ink, and paper before me, I commenced the development of my system. This system—shall I say this great system?—is exceedingly simple, and easily explained in a few words. In the first place, “_figures won’t lie_.” Let us then represent by the number 100, the maximum, the _ne plus ultra_ of every human quality—grace, beauty, courage, strength, wisdom, learning—everything. Let _perfection_, I say, be represented by 100, and an absolute minimum of all qualities by the number 1.