The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
“I wrote down the things of any account what happened,” said she, “as
you told me to, and while I was about it, I thought I’d make it like a
novel. It would be jus’ as true, and p’r’aps more amusin’. I suppose you
don’t mind?”
No, we didn’t mind. So she went on.
“I haven’t got no name for my novel. I intended to think one out
to-night. I wrote this all of nights. And I don’t read the first
chapters, for they tell about my birth and my parent-age, and my early
adventures. I’ll just come down to what happened to me while you was
away, because you’ll be more anxious to hear about that. All that’s
written here is true, jus’ the same as if I told it to you, but I’ve put
it into novel language because it seems to come easier to me.”
And then, in a voice somewhat different from her ordinary tones, as if
the “novel language” demanded it, she began to read—
“‘Chapter Five. The Lonely house and the Faithful friend. Thus was I
left alone. None but two dogs to keep me com-pa-ny. I milk-ed the lowing
kine and water-ed and fed the steed, and then, after my fru-gal repast,
I clos-ed the man-si-on, shutting out all re-collections of the past and
also foresights into the future. That night was a me-mor-able one. I
slept soundly until the break of morn, but had the events transpired
which afterward occur-red, what would have hap-pen-ed to me no tongue
can tell. Early the next day nothing hap-pened. Soon after breakfast the
vener-able John came to bor-row some ker-o-sene oil and a half a pound
of sugar, but his attempt was foil-ed. I knew too well the in-sid-i-ous
foe. In the very out-set of his vil-li-an-y I sent him home with a empty
can. For two long days I wan-der-ed amid the ver-dant pathways of the
garden and to the barn, whenever and anon my du-ty call-ed me, nor did I
ere neg-lect the fowlery. No cloud o’er-spread this happy peri-od of my
life. But the cloud was ri-sing in the horizon, although I saw it not.
“‘It was about twenty-five minutes after eleven, on the morning of a
Thursday, that I sat pondering in my mind the ques-ti-on what to do with
the butter and the veg-et-ables. Here was butter, and here was green
corn and limabeans and trophy tomats, far more than I ere could use. And
here was a horse, idly cropping the fol-i-age in the field, for as my
employer had advis-ed and order-ed, I had put the steed to grass. And
here was a waggon, none too new, which had it the top taken off, or even
the curtains roll-ed up, would do for a li-cen-sed vendor. With the
truck and butter, and mayhap some milk, I could load the waggon——’”
“Oh, Pomona,” interrupted Euphemia, “you don’t mean to say that you were
thinking of doing anything like that?”
“Well, I was just beginning to think of it,” said Pomona. “But, of
course, I couldn’t have gone away and left the house. And you’ll see I
didn’t do it.” And then she continued her novel. “‘But while my thoughts
were thus employ-ed, I heard Lord Edward burst into bark-ter——’”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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