The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
“Perhaps it may all turn out for the best,” she said, “and you may be
elected, and that would be splendid. But it would be an awfully funny
thing for a dog-fight to make you a vestryman.”
I could not talk on this subject. “Go on, Pomona,” I said, trying to
feel resigned to my shame, “and tell us about that poster on the fence.”
“I’ll be to that almost right away,” she said.
“It was two or three days after the dog-fight that I was down at the
barn, and happenin’ to look over to old John’s, I saw that tree-man
there. He was a-showin’ his book to John, and him and his wife and all
the young ones was a-standin’ there, drinkin’ down them big peaches and
pears as if they was all real. I know’d he’d come here ag’in, for them
fellers never gives you up; and I didn’t know how to keep him away, for
I didn’t want to let the dogs loose on a man what, after all, didn’t
want to do no more harm than to talk the life out of you. So I just
happened to notice, as I came to the house, how kind of desolate
everything looked, and I thought perhaps I might make it look worse, and
he wouldn’t care to deal here. So I thought of putting up a poster like
that, for nobody whose place was a-goin’ to be sold for taxes would be
likely to want trees. So I run in the house, and wrote it quick and put
it up. And sure enough, the man he come along soon, and when he looked
at that paper and tried the gate, an’ looked over the fence an’ saw the
house all shut up an’ not a livin’ soul about,—for I had both the dogs
in the house with me,—he shook his head an’ walked off, as much as to
say, ‘If that man had fixed his place up proper with my trees, he
wouldn’t ’a’ come to this!’ An’ then, as I found the poster worked so
good, I thought it might keep other people from comin’ a-botherin’
around, and so I left it up; but I was a-goin’ to be sure and take it
down before you came.”
As it was now pretty late in the afternoon, I proposed that Pomona
should postpone the rest of her narrative until evening. She said that
there was nothing else to tell that was very particular; and I did not
feel as if I could stand anything more just now, even if it was very
particular.
When we were alone, I said to Euphemia—
“If we ever have to go away from this place again——”
“But we won’t go away,” she interrupted, looking up to me with as bright
a face as she ever had; “at least not for a long, long, long time to
come. And I’m _so_ glad you’re to be a vestryman.”
_Frank R. Stockton._
------------------------------------------------------------------------
_TEMPEST IN A TUB._
[Illustration: “MINUS A HOOP.”]
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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