Historical fiction; Russia -- Social conditions -- 1801-1917 -- Fiction
That there was, indeed, beauty and harmony in those abnormal moments,
that they really contained the highest synthesis of life, he could not
doubt, nor even admit the possibility of doubt. He felt that they were
not analogous to the fantastic and unreal dreams due to intoxication by
hashish, opium or wine. Of that he could judge, when the attack was
over. These instants were characterized—to define it in a word—by an
intense quickening of the sense of personality. Since, in the last
conscious moment preceding the attack, he could say to himself, with
full understanding of his words: “I would give my whole life for this
one instant,” then doubtless to him it really was worth a lifetime. For
the rest, he thought the dialectical part of his argument of little
worth; he saw only too clearly that the result of these ecstatic
moments was stupefaction, mental darkness, idiocy. No argument was
possible on that point. His conclusion, his estimate of the “moment,”
doubtless contained some error, yet the reality of the sensation
troubled him. What’s more unanswerable than a fact? And this fact had
occurred. The prince had confessed unreservedly to himself that the
feeling of intense beatitude in that crowded moment made the moment
worth a lifetime. “I feel then,” he said one day to Rogojin in Moscow,
“I feel then as if I understood those amazing words—‘There shall be no
more time.’” And he added with a smile: “No doubt the epileptic Mahomet
refers to that same moment when he says that he visited all the
dwellings of Allah, in less time than was needed to empty his pitcher
of water.” Yes, he had often met Rogojin in Moscow, and many were the
subjects they discussed. “He told me I had been a brother to him,”
thought the prince. “He said so today, for the first time.”
He was sitting in the Summer Garden on a seat under a tree, and his
mind dwelt on the matter. It was about seven o’clock, and the place was
empty. The stifling atmosphere foretold a storm, and the prince felt a
certain charm in the contemplative mood which possessed him. He found
pleasure, too, in gazing at the exterior objects around him. All the
time he was trying to forget some thing, to escape from some idea that
haunted him; but melancholy thoughts came back, though he would so
willingly have escaped from them. He remembered suddenly how he had
been talking to the waiter, while he dined, about a recently committed
murder which the whole town was discussing, and as he thought of it
something strange came over him. He was seized all at once by a violent
desire, almost a temptation, against which he strove in vain.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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