Historical fiction; Russia -- Social conditions -- 1801-1917 -- Fiction
“Yesterday morning the prince came to see me. Among other things he
asked me to come down to his villa. I knew he would come and persuade
me to this step, and that he would adduce the argument that it would be
easier for me to die ‘among people and green trees,’—as he expressed
it. But today he did not say ‘die,’ he said ‘live.’ It is pretty much
the same to me, in my position, which he says. When I asked him why he
made such a point of his ‘green trees,’ he told me, to my astonishment,
that he had heard that last time I was in Pavlofsk I had said that I
had come ‘to have a last look at the trees.’
“When I observed that it was all the same whether one died among trees
or in front of a blank brick wall, as here, and that it was not worth
making any fuss over a fortnight, he agreed at once. But he insisted
that the good air at Pavlofsk and the greenness would certainly cause a
physical change for the better, and that my excitement, and my
_dreams_, would be perhaps relieved. I remarked to him, with a smile,
that he spoke like a materialist, and he answered that he had always
been one. As he never tells a lie, there must be something in his
words. His smile is a pleasant one. I have had a good look at him. I
don’t know whether I like him or not; and I have no time to waste over
the question. The hatred which I felt for him for five months has
become considerably modified, I may say, during the last month. Who
knows, perhaps I am going to Pavlofsk on purpose to see him! But why do
I leave my chamber? Those who are sentenced to death should not leave
their cells. If I had not formed a final resolve, but had decided to
wait until the last minute, I should not leave my room, or accept his
invitation to come and die at Pavlofsk. I must be quick and finish this
explanation before tomorrow. I shall have no time to read it over and
correct it, for I must read it tomorrow to the prince and two or three
witnesses whom I shall probably find there.
“As it will be absolutely true, without a touch of falsehood, I am
curious to see what impression it will make upon me myself at the
moment when I read it out. This is my ‘last and solemn’—but why need I
call it that? There is no question about the truth of it, for it is not
worthwhile lying for a fortnight; a fortnight of life is not itself
worth having, which is a proof that I write nothing here but pure
truth.
(“N.B.—Let me remember to consider; am I mad at this moment, or not? or
rather at these moments? I have been told that consumptives sometimes
do go out of their minds for a while in the last stages of the malady.
I can prove this tomorrow when I read it out, by the impression it
makes upon the audience. I must settle this question once and for all,
otherwise I can’t go on with anything.)
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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