And so he wrote in the Journal that he “lived through much,” in reading over, at the request of his wife, his journals for the past seven years.[a7] At the same time, Tolstoi complains several times in his Journal of his general indisposition, of his weakness, and of his lack of energy. In the course of the three years, from 1896 to 1898, Tolstoi often experienced a fall of spirit, strong attacks of sorrow and torturing agony. The greatest part of his suffering was caused by the lack of understanding of several people near to him, either for his point of view or for his inner life,[a8] and because of the “emptiness of his surrounding life.”[a9] He even felt “hatred” for himself[a10] and he was burdened by his part in the “unjust, idle, luxurious[a11] life.” But here the thought would come to him that he had to suffer humiliation,[a12] and at times he created supplementary thoughts, which in fun he called “prescriptions” for his spiritual suffering.[a13] On December 2, 1896, Tolstoi wrote in his Journal: “This is my condition ... oh, this luxury, this richness, this absence of care about the material life!...” The thought that this indeed was his task, given to him, had a calming effect. He tried to look on the conditions in which he was placed as upon a test of humbleness, “humiliation.” But “in chains, in a prison, one can pride oneself on one’s humiliation”--he wrote--“but here it is only painful, unless one accepts it as a trial sent by God.”[a14] The calm state which was created through the influence of these thoughts was only short-lived. His heart began soon again to pain and he “wants to cry over himself, over the remnant of his life which is being futilely ruined.”[a15] His surrounding life[a16] which tortured him called forth long periods of agony, dejection and fall of spirits. But with the thoughts about love towards enemies,[a17] there came to him the urge to look upon his work, as the work of love which was given to him, and again peace possessed him, “because a loving one.”[a18] But soon again this peace became principally an outer one, and within himself he again wavered.[a19] Again he is “ashamed and depressed because of the consciousness of the lawlessness of his life.”[a20]