... Help me, Lord, to act not according to my will, but according to Thine. Received a letter from N about Beller and other ministers who preach the inconsistency of military service and Christianity,[233] and about Chertkov, that he was fussy, had sinned and had fallen ill.[234] Am correcting the 10th chapter, it is about to be sent off.[235]... My letter was printed in the _Peterburgskia Viedomosti_. I thought: The road of all evil and of all suffering is not so much ignorance as false knowledge--deception. _The Appeal_ ought to be finished with an appeal for all to help towards the abolition of deception. _Oct. 18. Yasn. Pol. If I live._ Yesterday I made no notes; _to-day Oct. 19_. _Y. P._ ... Both yesterday and to-day I felt great apathy, although I was well. I don’t feel like working. Corrected Chapters 13, 14, 15. I received the re-copied chapters from Moscow and the conclusion. Yesterday I went to Yasenki. To-day I chopped wood and carried it. Novikov was here. Viacheslav[236] spent the night. To-day a letter from Boulanger. I want to write to him right away and to my wife. I ought to write to Salomon. Solitude nevertheless is very pleasant. _Oct. 20. Y. P. If I live._ _To-day Oct. 21. Y. P._ Received proof of the Carpenter article from _Sieverni Viestnik_ and began to write a preface. Corrected _Art_, received letters from Chertkov and Boulanger. Yesterday my work didn’t go. Went to Yasenki. Just now, remaining alone after my work, I asked myself what I should do, and having no personal desire (except the bodily demands arising only when I want to eat or sleep) I felt so keenly the joy of the knowledge of the Will of God, that I need and want nothing but to do what He wants. This feeling arose as a result of the question which I myself put to myself when I remained alone in the silence: Who am I? Why am I? And the answer came so clearly by itself: No matter who and what I am, I have been sent by some one to do something. Well, let me do that work. And so joyously and so well did I feel my fusion with the Will of God. This is my second live feeling for God. Then I simply felt love for God. At this moment, I cannot remember how it was; I only remember that it was a joyful feeling. Oh, what happiness is solitude! To-day it is so good: you feel God. _Oct. 22. Y. P. If I live._ _Oct. 22. Y. P._ I am writing in the evening. All day I did not feel like working. I slept badly.... I corrected the 11th chapter in the morning, in the evening I began the 12th. I was unable to do anything--there is a boil on my head and my feet perspire. Is it from the honey? Aphanasi[237] and Maria Alexandrovna were here. It is evening now. I am alone and horribly sad. I have neither doubts nor hurts, but am sad and want to cry. Oh, I must prepare myself more, more, for the new appointment. A letter from Grot;[238] I ought to give him “Concerning Art.” Thought only this: