Scotland -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
But she had cheered herself in all those nights that she would make up
for her body's defection by loving the child very much when it was born.
She knew she would have no passion for it as she had for Richard, but
she foresaw herself being consciously and slantingly tender over it,
like a primitive Madonna over the Holy Child. There was, of course, no
such solution of the problem. It became plain that there was not going
to be in that hour when she knew the unnatural horror of a painless
parturition. She had not been at all shocked by the violence she had
endured at Richard's birth. It had seemed magnificently consistent with
the rest of nature, and she had been comforted as she lay moaning by a
persistent vision of a harrow turning up rich earth. But contemplating
herself as she performed this act of childbirth without a pang was like
looking into eyes which are open but have no sight and realising that
here is blindness, or listening to one who earnestly speaks words which
have no meaning and realising that here is madness.
She was going through a process that should have produced life: but
because of the lack of some essence which works through pain, but
nevertheless is to the breeding womb what sight is to the eye or sanity
to the brain, it was producing something that was as much at variance
with life as death. The old women at her bedside chuckled and rubbed
their hands because she was having such an easy time, but that was
because they were old and had forgotten. If a young woman had been
there she would have stood at the other side of the room between the
windows, as far away from the bed as she could, and her lips would have
pursed, as if she felt the presence of uncleanness. So were her own,
when they showed her the pale child. She had indeed done an unclean and
unnatural thing when she had brought forth a child that lived yet was
unloved; who was born of a mother that survived and looked at it, and
who yet had no mother, since she felt no motion towards it, but a deep
shiver of her blood away from it; who aroused no interest in the whole
universe save her own abhorrence; who was, as was inevitable in one so
begotten and so born, intrinsically disgusting in substance.
"Well, I have Richard to help me bear this," she said to herself, but
her heart reminded her that though she had Richard, this child had no
one. Pitifully she put out her arms and drew it to her breast, but
detected for herself the fundamentally insincere kindness that a
stranger will show to a child, confident that before long it will be
claimed by its own kin.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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