The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and FantasiesZangwill, Israel
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The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and Fantasies
Zangwill, Israel
Humorous stories; Jewish fiction; Jews -- England -- Fiction; London (England) -- Fiction
When you all read this I shall be dead and laughing at you. I have
been hung for my own murder. I am Everard G. Roxdal. I am also Tom
Peters. We two were one. When I was a young man my moustache and beard
wouldn't come. I bought false ones to improve my appearance. One day,
after I had become manager of the City and Suburban Bank, I took off
my beard and moustache at home, and then the thought crossed my mind
that nobody would know me without them. I was another man. Instantly
it flashed upon me that if I ran away from the Bank, that other man
could be left in London, while the police were scouring the world for
a non-existent fugitive. But this was only the crude germ of the idea.
Slowly I matured my plan. The man who was going to be left in London
must be known to a circle of acquaintance beforehand. It would be easy
enough to masquerade in the evenings in my beardless condition, with
other disguises of dress and voice. But this was not brilliant enough.
I conceived the idea of living with him. It was Box and Cox reversed.
We shared rooms at Mrs. Seacon's. It was a great strain, but it was
only for a few weeks. I had trick clothes in my bedroom like those of
quick-change artistes; in a moment I could pass from Roxdal to Peters
and from Peters to Roxdal. Polly had to clean two pairs of boots a
morning, cook two dinners, &c., &c. She and Mrs. Seacon saw one or the
other of us every moment; it never dawned upon them they never saw us
_both together_. At meals I would not be interrupted, ate off two
plates, and conversed with my friend in loud tones. A slight
ventriloquial gift enabled me to hold audible conversations with him
when he was supposed to be in the bedroom. At other times we dined at
different hours. On Sundays he was supposed to be asleep when I was in
church. There is no landlady in the world to whom the idea would have
occurred that one man was troubling himself to be two (and to pay for
two, including washing). I worked up the idea of Roxdal's flight,
asked Polly to go with me, manufactured that feminine letter that
arrived on the morning of my disappearance. As Tom Peters I mixed with
a journalistic set. I had another room where I kept the gold and notes
till I mistakenly thought the thing had blown over. Unfortunately,
returning from here on the night of my disappearance, with Roxdal's
clothes in a bundle I intended to drop into the river, it was stolen
from me in the fog, and the man into whose possession it ultimately
came appears to have committed suicide, so that his body dressed in my
clothes was taken for mine. What, perhaps, ruined me was my desire to
keep Clara's love, and to transfer it to the survivor. Everard told
her I was the best of fellows. Once married to her, I would not have
had much fear. Even if she had discovered the trick, a wife cannot
give evidence against her husband, and often does not want to. I made
none of the usual slips, but no man can guard against a girl's
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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