The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and FantasiesZangwill, Israel
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The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and Fantasies
Zangwill, Israel
Humorous stories; Jewish fiction; Jews -- England -- Fiction; London (England) -- Fiction
"What is it? What do you want?" said the gentleman impatiently.
"My wife's dying," jerked the man.
"I'm very sorry," murmured the gentleman incredulously, expecting some
conventional street-plea.
"Awful sudden attack--this last of hers--only came on an hour ago."
"I'm not a doctor."
"No, sir, I know. I don't want a doctor. He's there and only gives her
ten minutes to live. Come with me at once, please."
"Come with you? Why, what good can I do?"
"You're a clergyman!"
"A clergyman!" repeated the other.
"Yes--aren't you?"
The wearer of the white tie looked embarrassed.
"Ye-es," he stammered. "In a--in a way. But I'm not the sort of
clergyman your wife will be wanting."
"No?" said the man, puzzled and pained. Then with a sudden dread in
his voice: "You're not a Catholic clergyman?"
"No," was the unhesitating reply.
"Oh, then it's all right!" cried the man, relieved. "Come with me,
sir, for God's sake. Don't let us waste time." His face was lit up
with anxious appeal.
But still the clergyman hesitated.
"You're making a mistake," he murmured. "I am not a Christian
clergyman." He turned to resume his walk.
"Not a Christian clergyman!" exclaimed the man, as who should say "not
a black negro!"
"No--I am a Jewish minister."
"That don't matter," broke in the man, almost before he could finish
the sentence. "As long as you're not a Catholic. Oh, don't go away
now, sir!" His voice broke piteously. "Don't go away after I've been
chasing you for five minutes--I saw your rig-out--I beg pardon, your
coat and hat--in the distance just as I came out of the house. Walk
back with me, anyhow," he pleaded, seeing the Jew's hesitation, "Oh!
for pity's sake, walk back with me at once and we can discuss it as we
go along. I know I should never get hold of another parson in time at
this hour of the night."
The man's accents were so poignant, his anxiety was so apparently
sincere, that the minister's humanity could scarcely resist the
solicitation to walk back at least. He would still have time to decide
whether to enter the house or not--whether the case were genuine or a
mere trap concealing robbery or worse. The man took a short cut
through evil-looking slums that did not increase the minister's
confidence. He wondered what his flock would think if they saw their
pastor in such company. He was a young unmarried minister, and the
reputation of such in provincial Jewish congregations, overflowing
with religion and tittle-tattle, is as a pretty unprotected orphan
girl's.
"Why don't you go to your own clergyman?" he asked.
"I've got none," said the man half-apologetically. "I don't believe in
nothing myself. But you know what women are!"
The minister sniffed, but did not deny the weakness of the sex.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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