The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and FantasiesZangwill, Israel
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The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and Fantasies
Zangwill, Israel
Humorous stories; Jewish fiction; Jews -- England -- Fiction; London (England) -- Fiction
"Bah! I didn't think you were so conventional," I said contemptuously.
"I suppose you have found out how to make the memory-transferring
machine?"
"I have," he cried exultantly. "I shall christen it the noemagraph, or
thought-writer. The impression is received on a sensitised plate which
acts as a medium between the two minds. The brow of the purchaser is
pressed against the plate, through which a current of electricity is
then passed."
He rambled on about volts and dynamic psychometry and other hard
words, which, though they break no bones, should be strictly confined
in private dictionaries.
"I am awfully glad you came in," he said, resuming his mother tongue
at last--"because if you won't charge me anything I will try the first
experiment on you."
I consented reluctantly, and in two minutes he rushed about the room
triumphantly shouting, "22, Albert Flats, Victoria Square,
Westminster," till he was hoarse. But for his enthusiasm I should have
suspected he had crammed up my address on the sly.
He started the Clearing House forthwith. It began humbly as an attic
in the Strand. The first number of the catalogue was naturally meagre.
He was good enough to put me on the free list, and I watched with
interest the development of the enterprise. He had canvassed his
acquaintances for subscribers, and begged everybody he met to send him
particulars of their cast-off memories. When he could afford to
advertise a little, his _clientèle_ increased. There is always a
public for anything _bizarre_, and a percentage of the population
would send thirteen stamps for the Philosopher's Stone, post free. Of
course, the rest of the population smiled at him for an ingenious
quack.
The "Memories on Sale" catalogue grew thicker and thicker. The edition
issued to the subscribers contained merely the items, but O'Donovan's
copy comprised also the names and addresses of the vendors, and now
and again he allowed me to have a peep at it in strict confidence. The
inventor himself had not foreseen the extraordinary uses to which his
noemagraph would be put, nor the extraordinary developments of his
business. Here are some specimens culled at random from No. 13 of the
Clearing House catalogue when O'Donovan still limited himself to
facilitating the sale of superfluous memories:--
1. 25, Portsdown Avenue, Maida. Vale.
3. 13502, 17208 (banknote numbers).
12. History of England (a few Saxon kings missing), as
successful in a recent examination by the College of
Preceptors. Adapted to the requirements of candidates for the
Oxford and Cambridge Local and the London Matriculation.
17. Paley's Evidences, together with a job lot of dogmatic
theology (second-hand), a valuable collection by a clergyman
recently ordained, who has no further use for them.
26. A dozen whist wrinkles, as used by a retiring speculator.
Excessively cheap.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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