While I went pacing softly about, to occupy myself, a soft, small rain
began to fall; but this did not affect me in any way. It was rather
soothing than disagreeable. I went down to the side of the loch, where
the pale light on the water was touched by innumerable droppings of the
rain; then up again, round and round the house, not caring where I went.
At this hour I had always avoided the Lady’s Walk, I can scarcely tell
why. To-night, in my strange familiarity with everything, and
carelessness of all but one subject, I suddenly turned into it with a
caprice I could not account for, perhaps with an understood wish for
company, for somebody who might understand my thoughts. The mystic
footsteps gave me a sort of pleasure. Whether it was habit, or some new
sense of human fellowship which Charlotte’s impassioned words had
caused, I can scarcely tell; but the excitement with which I had always
hitherto regarded the mysterious watcher here was altogether gone out of
my mind. I felt a profound and tender pity for her rising in me instead.
Was it possible that a spirit could be “over-anxious,” as Charlotte
said, endeavouring vainly, and yet not undutifully, to take God’s
supreme guardianship out of His hands? The thought was new to me. To
think that a good and blessed creature could so err, could mistake so
humanly and persevere so patiently, though never able to remedy the
evils, seemed somehow more possible than that a guardian from heaven
could watch and watch for generations with so little result. This gave
me a great compassion for the lonely watcher thus rebelling in a
heavenly way of love against the law of nature that separated her from
visible life. My old idea that it might be Charlotte herself in an
unconscious shadow-shape, whose protecting, motherly love made these
efforts unawares, glided gratefully into the feeling that it was an
earlier Charlotte, her very kin and prototype, who could not even now
let God manage her race without her aid.
While I was thus thinking, I was startled once more by the same sigh
which I had heard with Charlotte. Yes, yes, it might be the wind. I had
no time to bandy explanations with myself. It was a soft, long sigh,
such as draws the very breath out of an over-laden bosom. I turned half
round, it was so near to me, and there, by my side, so close that I
could have touched her, stood the Lady whom I had imagined so often--the
same figure which I had met in the London streets and in the woods of
Ellermore. I suppose I stepped back, with a little thrill of the old
sensations, for she seemed to put out a hand in the pale gloom, and
began to speak softly, quickly, as if there was scarcely time enough for
what she had to say.
“I am going away like the rest,” she said. “None of them have ever bid
me go before; but it was true--it was true. I have never done any
good--just frightened them, or pleased them. It is in better hands--it
is in better hands.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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