"Being informed by my friend, the President of these United States, who has given me no few assurances of his inclination to serve me, that it was to you all those in search of rewards for their endeavors must address themselves, I take it you will not set me down for a maker of wheel-barrows when you read this, my application for the mission to the King of Kalorama, which God knows is but a trifle, though I am willing to accept it out of respect for the man who is ready to die honest, and has no itching for what money he may get of his country. As to my qualifications, I take it you know enough of them already. But this I will say, that I am not a man to betray a trust, nor am I trickey; which is more than all of your ministers can say of themselves! In short, if your excellency would know all about that, I can refer you to Barnstable, where I am set down for a peaceable neighbor and as good a Christian as any of them. But I have heard it said that diplomacy was only a tissue of scheming to get the advantage over a weak neighbor; therefore it is as well to be silent on my Christianity, seeing that such is not adapted to the business required of a good minister. And though I am ready to pledge my military reputation (which I got in Mexico) neither to get into controversies with editors, nor to fight duels for what may be said of my wife Polly's muslin; nor indeed to cut up such queer pranks with all who come in my way that I shall be wondered at; nor to leave my debts unpaid, which is common enough with our young diplomatists, I will give battle to all sorts of wickedness which is the mother of despotism. This last I say because I have a Damascus blade that achieved wonders in Mexico, and to this day is as good as new. Grant but my request, and I will see well to this savage. And if he behave like a gentleman there shall be peace between us; but if he be obstinate, and cut up capers, and put himself upon his dignity, then I engage to get as many of his Islands as you shall command, which, judging from the gravity of your nature, I am sure you will value as so many pearls. But I pray your excellency to say to my friend the President that I have a rare talent for conducting governments, and am in favor of taking Cuba by the beard without all this coaxing round the bush, which reminds me of the means used to decoy a tender-hearted virgin. In short, as to that, I will turn my back to no man for my faith in what destiny owes us, and pray that the whole continent may soon be ours.