“I have now to pass through a critical moment in my life. By-and-by I will write to you about it more fully; meanwhile I must just tell you that I _have decided to get married_. This is irrevocable....” XIII 1876-1877 _To Modeste Tchaikovsky._ “MOSCOW, _September_ 10_th_ (22_nd_), 1876. “ ... Nearly two months have passed since we parted from each other, but they seem to me centuries. During this time I have thought much about you, and also about myself and my future. My reflections have resulted in the firm determination to marry some one or other.” _To Modeste Tchaikovsky._ “MOSCOW, _September_ 17_th_ (29_th_). “Time passes uneventfully. In this colourless existence, however, lies a certain charm. I can hardly express in words how sweet is this feeling of quiet. What comfort--I might almost say happiness--it is to return to my pleasant rooms and sit down with a book in my hand! At this moment I hate, probably not less than you do, that beautiful, unknown being who will force me to change my way of living. Do not be afraid, I shall not hurry in this matter; you may be sure I will approach it with great caution, and only after much deliberation.” _To A. Tchaikovsky._ “_September_ 20_th_ (_October_ 2_nd_). “Toly, I long for you again. I am worried with the thought that while you were staying in Moscow I did not treat you kindly enough. If such a thought should come to you too, know (you know it already) that my lack of tenderness by no means implies a lack of love and attachment. I was only vexed with myself, and vexed assuredly, because I deceived you when I said I had arrived at an important turning-point in my existence. That is not true; I have not arrived at it, but I think of it and wait for _something_ to spur me on to action. In the meantime, however, the quiet evening hours in my dear little home, the rest and solitude--I must confess to this--have great charms for me. I shudder when I think I must give it all up. And yet it will come to pass....” _To Rimsky-Korsakov._ “MOSCOW, _September_ 29_th_ (_October_ 11_th_), 1876.