All this must be specially borne in mind in judging the subsequent life
of S. J.-B. We are bound, of course, to ask how she worked out in life
this beautiful vision of her adolescence—bound to ask how she realized
in practice the “infinite (potential) worth and content” of that first
radiant consciousness; but before we attempt to answer the question, we
must take into full account the extent and the difficulty of the task
that fell to her share, and we must give full weight to the natural
attributes which were the tools placed at her disposal.
It is clear that there was about her a doggedness, a high-handedness, a
disregard of tradition, an actual—if superficial—roughness, which are
not common qualities among the highly-educated of either sex, and which
were never admired in her own. On the other hand, the reader of the
foregoing pages will no longer need to be told of her tenderness and
sensitiveness—of a capacity for loving and for suffering only
commensurate with her power of inspiring love, of incurring suffering.
In a sense she was a born fighter, but it is a very nice question how
far she enjoyed a fight. Thousands of times throughout life she might
truly have repeated the extract from her diary quoted on p. 46:
“This brought down an awful storm of wonder, reasoning, etc., till at
length I got off to bed _so_ tired.”
The diary continues after the extract quoted in the last chapter:
“And now to turn to the outer facts of life.
Here I am, my London College life over, with all its pleasures, all
its cares, all its responsibilities, all its glorious delight at
times.
Ten terms have I kept,—ten passed since the beginning of that second
volume of mine! How sorrowfully meagre seems the record. Yet ‘the
world could scarcely contain’ what _might_ have been written.
My rooms in Nottingham Place given up (first and second floors let to
Vs.). The world before me. Alice only bound to me. My life in Scotland
to begin whenever rested. Wants sufficient resolution to make that
‘when.’ Yet I expect very needful.
I suppose the shock to my whole being of the last three months could
not be easily reckoned. Two months today since I left N.P.!
Again the burden has been lightened since my resolve (how inadequately
worked out!) of Sunday night. Not only Watch, but _Work_ and wait!...
By-the-bye, Frid’s lovely Christmas gift,—Christ on the Cross. The
Child Christ and verses (her’s?)
‘The love that brings salvation
_Shall_ at last prevail!’
Amen.”
“My life in Scotland to begin whenever rested.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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