As for writing home, a certain elasticity of method is essential. In addressing one's father, it is advisable to confine oneself chiefly to the topic of one's studies. Money should not be asked for, but references to the Classics may be introduced with advantage, and perhaps a fair copy of one's last Latin prose enclosed. The father will not be able to understand or even read it; but this will not prevent him from imagining that he could have done so thirty years ago; and his heart will glow with the reminiscent enthusiasm of the retired scholar. Mothers may be addressed with more freedom. Small financial worries may be communicated, and it is a good plan to dwell resignedly but steadily upon the insufficiency of the food supplied by the School authorities. Health topics may be discussed, especially in so far as they touch upon the question of extra diet. Sisters appreciate School gossip and small talk of any kind. Young brothers may be impressed with daredevil tales of masters put to rout and prefects "ragged" to death. The appended _dossier_ furnishes a fairly comprehensive specimen of the art. It is entitled: THE BIRTHDAY _Correspondence addressed to Master E. Bumpleigh, Mr. Killick's House, Grandwich School_ No. I MESSRS. BUMPLEIGH & SITWELL, LTD., 220B CORNHILL, _Telegrams_: "BUMPSIT, LONDON." _November 6, 19--._ MY DEAR EGBERT,--Your mother informs me that to-morrow, the 7th inst., is your fifteenth birthday. I therefore take this opportunity of combining my customary greetings with a few observations on your half-term report, which has just reached me. It is a most deplorable document. With the exception of your health (which is described as "excellent"), and your violin-playing (which I note is "most energetic"), I can find no cause for congratulation or even satisfaction in your record for the past half-term. Indeed, were it not for the existence of the deep-seated conspiracy (of which you have so frequently and so earnestly warned me) among the masters at your school, to deprive you of your just marks and so prevent you from taking your rightful place at the head of the form, I should almost suspect you of idling. I enclose ten shillings as a birthday gift. If you could contrive during the next half-term to overcome the unfortunate prejudice with which the Grandwich staff appears to be inspired against you, I might see my way to doing something rather more handsome at Christmas.-- Your affectionate father, JOHN HENRY BUMPLEIGH. (_Reply._ _November 7._