Except for Mary O'Riordan and Mollie, Aliette possessed no intimates of
her own sex. Common gossip, however, credited various women of her
acquaintance with "lovers": some permanent, accepted as institutions by
every one except the husband; some transitory of the season; most merest
"tame-cats," fetch-and-carry men. Hector's wife wanted none of these.
She wanted Ronnie--not an occasional Ronnie, not a clandestine Ronnie,
neither a merely physical nor a merely platonic Ronnie: but Ronnie
himself--all of Ronnie--Ronnie for her very own.
Comprehension of this fact--it came to her with peculiar clarity one
late afternoon at a crowded tea-fight in Mary O'Riordan's house off Park
Lane--brought the woman up short by the head.
She realized herself wholly in love--dangerously, perilously,
passionately in love. And the realization frightened her. It meant the
abandoning of her own fixed point of view. It meant, actually, if not by
intention, sin. At least it ought to mean "sin"--only somehow she could
no longer regard it in that light. If she had not thought of Mary as
sinful, why should she apply a different standard to her own case?
If this immense new tenderness in her, this accentuation of all her
femininity, was "sin"--then nature's self must be sinful. If, by
religion, she belonged body and soul to Hector, forever and ever amen;
if, in the sight of God, his infidelities counted for nothing; if his
occasional desire to possess her (only the night before she had been
subtly aware of that desire's recrudescence) constituted a lifelong
claim--then religion, as she had so far understood religion, must be a
mere code designed in the interest of husbands, and God Himself a mere
male.
2
Meanwhile, to Ronnie's mind, the problem presented itself differently.
Having no formal religion, the aspect of "sin" did not trouble him. He
came, as he imagined in those ten days, to regard the entire question
from a legal point of view. He wanted a woman who belonged to somebody
else; by no manner of means could he possess that woman unless the law
set her free. Her freedom being outside the sphere of practical
politics, one's duty was self-control, forgetfulness.
On the question of self-control there could be no compromise; but to
forget Aliette was a tough job. Mere passion--since their last
meeting--represented only the tiniest fraction of his feelings. Already
she had given him an entirely new outlook--the lover's outlook: so that
he caught himself regarding the faces of his fellows, faces in his club,
at the courts, in the streets, on tubes and in omnibuses, solely from
his own obsessed point of view. What secret, what _emotional_ secret,
concealed itself behind those unemotional English faces? What
sentimental impulse goaded them about town?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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