England -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
"Nobody who could answer any of my puzzling questions," she replied,
softly; and Paul asked hastily if she would make the coffee. He had
fetched her here as an experiment, a kind of test of his own feelings
and of hers; and he had a sudden fear lest it should succeed too
effectually. She went obediently and did as she was told, and brought
him his coffee when it was ready; and he submitted to having sugar in
it, since it compelled her to brush his hair with her sleeve as she
bent over him with the sugar basin.
"Well?" he asked, in the next pause. She was balancing her spoon on
the edge of her cup, with a curious smile on her face.
"Oh, nothing!"
"Nothing must be very interesting, then. But I don't suppose I have
any right to know. Have I?"
The spoon dropped on the floor with a clatter.
"Of course you have! I wish you wouldn't say those things! They hurt
so. I was only thinking,--it wasn't anything important, but--I'm so
awfully happy to-night."
"But that is surely of the very first importance. Might one know why?
Or is that some one else's secret, too?"
She disturbed his composure by suddenly pushing her coffee away from
her; and there was an angry light in her eyes, as she sprang to her
feet and stood looking down at him.
"Sometimes I think I hate you," she said; and the words struck him as
being strangely inadequate to the occasion. They might have been
spoken by a petulant child, and the moment before he had felt that she
was a woman. He put his cup down too, and went towards her.
"Does sometimes mean now?" he asked jestingly. He was trying,
impotently, to prevent her from going any farther. But she took a step
backward, and did not heed his intention.
"Yes, it does," she said, angrily. "I am tired of being treated like a
child; I am tired of letting you do what you like with me. One day you
spoil me; and another, you hurt me cruelly. And you don't care a
little bit. I am a kind of amusement to you, an interesting puzzle, a
toy that doesn't seem to break easily; that's all. And I just let you
do it,--it is my own fault; when you hurt me I hide what I feel, and
when you are nice to me I forget everything else. Oh, yes, of course I
am a fool; do you think I don't know it? You have only to touch my
face, or to look at me, or to smile, and you know I am in your hands.
I despise myself for it; I would give all I know to be strong enough
to put you out of my life. But I can't do it, I can't! And you know I
can't; you know I am bound up in you. Everything I feel seems to be
yours; all my thoughts seem to belong to you, directly they come into
my head; I can't take the smallest step without wondering what you
will think of it. Oh, I hate myself for it; you don't know how I hate
myself! But I can't help it."
"Stop," said Paul, putting out his hand. But she waved him away, and
went on talking rapidly.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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