The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
The new-comer was Adolf. Adolf was one of that numerous band of Swiss
and German youths who come to this country prepared to give their
services ridiculously cheap in exchange for the opportunity of learning
the English language. Mr Blatherwick held the view that for a private
school a male front-door opener was superior to a female, arguing that
the parents of prospective pupils would be impressed by the sight of a
man in livery. He would have liked something a bit more imposing than
Adolf, but the latter was the showiest thing that could be got for the
money, so he made the best of it, and engaged him. After all, an
astigmatic parent, seeing Adolf in a dim light, might be impressed by
him. You never could tell.
'Well?' said James, glaring.
'Anysing vrom dze fillage, sare?'
The bulk of Adolf's perquisites consisted of the tips he received for
going to the general store down the road for tobacco, stamps, and so
on. 'No. Get out,' growled James, turning to his work.
He was surprised to find that Adolf, so far from getting out, came in
and shut the door.
'Zst!' said Adolf, with a finger on his lips.
James stared.
'In dze garten zis morning,' proceeded his visitor, grinning like a
gargoyle, 'I did zee you giss Violed. Zo!'
James's heart missed a beat. Considered purely as a situation, his
present position was not ideal. He had to work hard, and there was not
much money attached to the job. But it was what the situation stood for
that counted. It was his little rock of safety in the midst of a
surging ocean of West Australian sheep. Once let him lose his grip on
it, and there was no chance for him. He would be swept away beyond hope
of return.
'What do you mean?' he said hoarsely.
'In dze garten. I you vrom a window did zee. You und Violed. Zo!' And
Adolf, in the worst taste, gave a realistic imitation of the scene,
himself sustaining the role of James.
James said nothing. The whole world seemed to be filled with a vast
baa-ing, as of countless flocks.
'Lizzun!' said Adolf. 'Berhaps I Herr Blazzervig dell. Berhaps not I
do. Zo!'
James roused himself. At all costs he must placate this worm. Mr
Blatherwick was an austere man. He would not overlook such a crime.
He appealed to the other's chivalry.
'What about Violet?' he said. 'Surely you don't want to lose the poor
girl her job? They'd be bound to sack her, too.'
Adolf's eyes gleamed.
'Zo? Lizzun! When I do gom virst here, I myself do to giss Violed vunce
vish. But she do push dze zide of my face, and my lof is durned to
hate.'
James listened attentively to this tabloid tragedy, but made no
comment.
'Anysing vrom dze fillage, sare?'
Adolf's voice was meaning. James produced a half-crown.
'Here you are, then. Get me half a dozen stamps and keep the change.'
'Zdamps? Yes, sare. At vunce.'
James's last impression of the departing one was of a vast and greasy
grin, stretching most of the way across his face.
* * * * *
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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